First one, now another. This is my back-up. Just for you.

It's time to update. I have so much to say, but don't want to say it.

Everyone has forgotten about me. Good.

It hurts to be remembered. It hurts to want to remember, but can't. It hurts even more to remember. But it hurts the most when what (and who) you remember makes you cry at night.

I wish you wouldn't forget me. But it hurts too much to remember.

>Buttercup: You can't hurt me. Westley and I are joined by the bonds of love. And you cannot track that, not with a thousand bloodhounds, and you cannot break it, not with a thousand swords.

>Miracle Max: Sonny, true love is the greatest thing, in the world-except for a nice MLT - mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich, where the mutton is lean and the tomato is ripe. They're so perky. I love that.

>The Ancient Booer: Your true love lives. And you marry another. True Love saved her in the Fire Swamp, and she treated it like garbage. And that's what she is, the Queen of Refuse. So bow down to her if you want, bow to her. Bow to the Queen of Slime, the Queen of Filth, the Queen of Putrescence. Boo. Boo. Rubbish. Filth. Slime. Muck. Boo. Boo. Boo.

>The Impressive Clergyman: And wuv, tru wuv, will fowow you foweva...  So tweasure your wuv.

>The Grandson: They're kissing again. Do we have to read the kissing parts?

>Grandpa: Since the invention of the kiss there have been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind. The End.

>Grandpa: And as they reached for each other... 
The Grandson: What? What? 
Grandpa: Ah, it's kissing again. You don't want to hear that. 
The Grandson: I don't mind so much. 
Grandpa: Oh, okay.

>Buttercup: I never said he was my true love.

>Valerie: LIAR! LIAR! He said "True love"!!!

Just for fun

>Prince Humperdinck: First things first, to the death. 
Westley: No. To the pain. 
Prince Humperdinck: I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase. 
Westley: I'll explain and I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand, you warthog faced buffoon. 
Prince Humperdinck: That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult me. 
Westley: It won't be the last. To the pain means the first thing you will lose will be your feet below the ankles. Then your hands at the wrists. Next your nose. 
Prince Humperdinck: And then my tongue I suppose, I killed you too quickly the last time. A mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight. 
Westley: I wasn't finished. The next thing you will lose will be your left eye followed by your right.
Prince Humperdinck: And then my ears, I understand let's get on with it. 
Westley: WRONG. Your ears you keep and I'll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, "Dear God! What is that thing," will echo in your perfect ears. That is what to the pain means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever. 
Prince Humperdinck: I think your bluffing. 
Westley: It's possible, Pig, I might be bluffing. It's conceivable, you miserable, vomitous mass, that I'm only lying here because I lack the strength to stand. But, then again... perhaps I have the strength after all.
Westley: DROP... YOUR... SWORD!

Who are you?! Why are you reading my journal?! Do you know me? If your answer is yes, are you sure? What color are my eyes? How old am I? How many siblings do I have? Am I the youngest, or not? Do I know you? Are you sure? Maybe I do. Maybe I don't.

"What is your name? What is your quest? What is your favorite color?"

"What is your name? What is your quest? What is the air speed velocity of an unlaiden sparrow?"

--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

If you think you know me, I'd be amused to know who you are, too.

Actually, I only want ideas on what to write without telling who I am. If you have ideas, please let me know.

You know, this is kinda just a little sick. You know you're a loser when all you do is write in a journal. And, as I'm looking at friend's past entries (and they don't know I have my own journal, so it's all good), I'm seeing how absolutely bored people are. We are all just a bunch of lazy ass-kissers. Well, I don't kiss ass, so maybe it's just you. However, I don't deny being lazy. It's a gift. So, while I am studying for school, and, every now and then, checking up on peoples, you guys are writing every little thing that happens in your meaningless lives in your journal that no one who's anyone reads anyway. Call me crazy, but it's just amusing to read about people feeling sorry for themselves all the time. Me? I work for a living. And, while I understand the kids having journals, what excuses can the adults muster up? To be honest, mine is simply so that I can reply to friend's entries when necessary. Because, sometimes it is. I never write in it. And anyone who thinks they're going to get anything good out of it is sadly mistaken. Because, if anything, I am keeping this as vague as possible. Every now and then, throwing a movie, cartoon, or commercial quote in- just so I can say I've updated my journal. Oh, and what's with the blog, thing? Is that word even in the dictionary? If it's just another Internet word, wouldn't you think that, with all those tech-geeks, and their over-sized brains spilling out of their ears, they would have come up with a better word than "blog"? Oh my goodness, don't stand near anyone with braces as they're rambling about their online BLOG. And if you make the mistake of standing in front of them, watch out for the flying spit. *....Wait, now- I had braces for 4 years... 2-3 years too long, of you ask me. So, I am allowed to make fun of people with braces, because I completely understand how one would be offended by such comments. They are not directed toward anyone in particular.*

So, I have had my share of cutting on people for the day. And, as much as I hate to admit it, I am one of these dorks I am referring to. Because, as sad as it may be, I have another journal with another provider, and spend at least an hour every day (at least) just to complain about something. I mean, hey, what would the world be like if we couldn't laugh at ourselves, right? Life would be boring. And we'd all have online "blogs". And then the world would go to hell in... well, we all know the saying... You know, something about a picnic basket. Oh, no! That would be Yogi Bear. Nevermind. I'm kidding. I know the saying.

I'm done. I promise. I just had to have my fun for the day. Sorry if I offended anyone. Back to history... Fun fun. Good night. HAHA.

I'm making a profile!!! I have decided to make my profile. It's about time. Maybe I can get people to actually read this, and people might reply, and I might use it some more. And possibly make some new friends. Maybe.

I'm sure they'll all be kids, but I'm ok with that. HaHa (anyone who knows me is likely laughing their ass of right now).

So, I'll shut up and make my profile.

My profile is finished. I'm not too happy with it, but it's done. There. Enjoy.

You know you're a loser when your profile is as pitiful as mine is.

1) Total number of books owned?

> Too many to count

2) The last book I bought?

> Not including school textbooks, Song of Solomon, by Toni Morrison (I love that book!)

3) The last book I read?

> My history textbook... Umm, Song of Solomon!!!

4) Five books that mean a lot to me?

> Books? Bible

> Song of Solomon

> Heart of Darkness

> Native Son

> To Kill a Mockingbird (?)

5) Tag 5 people and have them fill this out on their blogs.

> Eh screw that. I don't even know 5 people with blogs.

6) Three Names You Go By:

> Summer... I don't have any more nicknames

7) Three Screen Names You Have Had:

> No comment

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. Eyes

2. Hair (in the winter)

3. Legs

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. Looks (face)

2. My white-ass feet (from work)

3. My scrawny arms

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. English

2. Cheroke (somewhere)

3. I don't know anymore

FIVE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Being hurt (emotionally)

2. Failure

3. Never being able to trust anyone

4. Being a nobody

5. Failure

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. Music

2. School

3. Work (kids)

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. Shorts

2. T-shirt

3. Socks

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS: (currently)
1. Ellery

2. ?? Random

3. ?? Random

FIVE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS: (currently?)
1. Breathe, Anna Nalick

2. Where is the Love, Black Eyed Peas

3. Freak It (Bray, girls... don't ask) or Hollaback Girl

4. Just Wait, Blues Traveller

5. Enter Sandman, Metallica

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. Love

2. Trust

3. Communication

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE: (can you pick the lie?)
1. I am the oldest

2. I stay physically active

3. I am anorexic

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE PREFERRED SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. Eyes

2. Humor & Intelligence

3. Personality

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. Work

2. Hanging out with kids

3. Unfortunately, I have to say school

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. Leave

2. See my best friend, after 6 years

3. Hang out with some kids, or someone else I care about

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING/YOU'VE CONSIDERED:
1. Social worker

2. Youth Group leader

3. Child Psychologist/ School Psychologist (counselor)

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. North Carolina (too see best friend)

2. Far far away

3. Not here

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Get married

2. Be happy

3. Not worry

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY... A girl:
1. I like guys

2. I think too much

3. I am very understanding, protective, and manipulative

THREE CELEB CRUSHES:
1. None

2. None

3. None

I'm going to go ahead and post an entry. Why not, right? Although, no one ever reads this, and I don't have a clue what I think I might say. So, I'm going to be a loser, and give away my LiveJournal page.

http://www.livejournal.com/users/justsaywow3/

I'm not afraid of anyone. However, that's not always a good thing. If you wanna reply, it's open to anonymous comments. Unlike this network (where I had to open an account just to reply to a friend's entry)... Again, like this one, no one reads it- I didn't give it to anyone, so maybe 2 people comment every once in a while.

Although, I will warn you ahead of time:

>I can be pretty critical. If I am, I don't know you, so just laugh at it.

>It is somewhat personal. But because my parents found the site, I block my most personal entries to the public. Sorry. It's only a'cuz of my parents. It has nothing to do with anyone else.

>I am a girl. Add PMS into the picture about once a month, and TA-DA.

>I hate racism. Being in college, I hear a lot of it. Prepare yourself.

>I am so unbelievably random it is near impossible to keep up with me. If you can, good job. I'd love to meet you. If you can't, I will be more than happy to break anything down. I have to do it on a daily basis. The rundown? I don't sleep or eat. I am extremely stressed. My brain thinks faster than I can relay the information. The few times I do sleep, I jump from one dream to another, back to the first, on to a third, back to the second... It's a never-ending circle. It's more amusing, than anything.

>I tend to stick up for people. But no one ever knows. I am the anonymous person who always seems to butt in and make everything AOK. That's just me.

>I know everything. Well, not really, but I tend to find out anything about friends. So, I will write about situations that happened, but I can't talk about, because I'm not supposed to know. (Did that make sense?) Therefor, random examples ad analogies may be viewed that make no sense at the given time.

I think that about covers it. Maybe not. No one ever replies, so I don't expect anyone else to-- But I swear, it's humorous at times! And when I'm angry, it's usually funny. And when I'm depressed, I usually ramble about everything- which is always a challenge trying to decipher. I'd give it a shot. I'm not much of a talker, so that would be your best bet until I get to know you.

Ya know what? I said I was going to do this survey in this journal (blog), but I think I will put in my LJ instead. Sorry.

But you know the site. Check it out there, I guess.

I think something's wrong with me...

I need advice from anyone willing to give some. (I never ask for advice- I'm usually the one giving it, so this is extremely awkward.)

I am questioning friendships. It's a long story. And I'd love to share it, but I'm a little angry, so it may not be such a good idea right now. I love my friends. And I don't have many- friends are few and far between. I'd do anything for my friends, but this one is driving me bonkers (another great cartoon!).

I'm having a personal nervous breakdown, and this comes up. I don't need it. She needs a friend. I need a friend. Forget me- she needs a friend. She needs something. What can I do for her?

Am I wrong to question a friendship?

...Been feeling really depressed lately...

Still a little depressed. I think I may be getting over it... but don't want to jinx myself just yet. It's gone from always being sad, to always being kinda angry, to now being always pissed. I'm going back to my bitchy self I was like in the beginning of high school. I though I left it all behind, but I guess not.

Last night, I went out with a friend, and he wouldn't get out of the car until I felt better. Needless to say, he was an hour past his curfew... oops. His mom likes me, though, so maybe he can get away with it. He wasn't even supposed to be out- but because it was with me, his mom let him go.

Venting is sometimes necessary. I put so much time and effort into my friends, and taking care of other people, that I completely neglect myself.

...Not a good thing. I don't recommend it...

I have, indeed, lived in the same town my whole life. And, yes, that is why I feel so trapped. I couldn't imagine moving all the time, as you have, but I don't like being so known. It's a lack of privacy thing. When I never do out and do anything- ever- but everyone seems to know me, I kinda feel awkward. Maybe that's just me, though?

I understand the Christian thing. Didn't you say your dad is a preacher? Well, mine isn't. Mine is far from it. My mom's dad used to be a preacher, but... well, hmm, that's a different story. My parents could care less if the man I marry is a Christian or not- as long as he's not like my father. Which is completely understandable, if you know my father. But I would like a Christian man, personally. My father doesn't really go into details like yours does. But he definitely freaks out. I guess I'm my parents 'baby girl' too, but it's completely different from it sounds like you're describing. As for my wedding... (the tranquilizer thing was funny) I would love for my dad and my father to both walk me down the isle. I'd like. It's the only, real, ideal thing I'd love. But they really don't get along at all, so it likely won't happen. I could see one walking faster than the other, just to pull me away from him... so childish...

(I still live at home. For another year or so, before I move away to college.) My parents found my LiveJournal account. And, wouldn't you know it, my LJ is soooo much more details than this is. Well, my dad saw it, and asked if he could read it 'to find out who Jaymee really is', and I told him no. Because, at the time, I had just seriously OD'd on headache medicine, and didn't want them to find out yet. In time, I wouldn't mind it so much- but not then. Well, all that, and I knew he wouldn't listen to me. One night, he pushed me out of the way and started reading it, so I told him I said no. He called me a bitch, and from that point on, I knew I wouldn't change my mind. Heh, because no one talks to me like that- not even him (I think he was probably drunk- it doesn't happen too often, but you can tell when he is). My mom has thing about power. I assume dad told mom that I had a journal... and she can't help but use any resource that can be used against anyone at any given time (it's in the blood- I've got some of it too- I just don't use it like she does) So, now, every time I go into my accounts, I have to clear the history for the day. And I can't type it in the address bar at the top of the screen, I have to go through Google, or I can't clear it at all. I'm hoping, this way, I'll know for sure when they read it.

Oh, no, they don't know about my Mindsay account yet. But there's nothing in here that I'm worried about- just the other one.

Our library isn't all that great. I asked my mom if they would have it, and she didn't really answer me. But I highly doubt it. I remember Odyssey!!! I wish they would have kept it. When they changed it to Hallmark, I knew everything would be different. It was only a matter of time. I will have to look for the series, then. I'm glad to hear they're out there, somewhere. What else is out, do you know?

*The song Oh Happy Day just popped into my head... I don't even really know it... Isn't it a hymn, or something?... HA! Isn't it in that movie Sister Act 2, as well?*

-W I T H .T H E. O P P O S I T E. S E X-

[what do you notice first?]: Eyes

[last person u slow danced with]: My escort in my uncle's wedding.

-W H O-

[do you have a crush on?]: Jedidiah and John-- more John, but I like them both for the same reasons 

[is easiest to talk to]: Becky and Erin

-H A V E .Y O U .E V E R-

[fallen for your best friend]: Nope

[been in love]:No

 -W H O .W A S .T H E .L A S T. P E R S O N-

[you talked to on the phone]: Becky- I don't ever call anyone

[you instant messaged]: Jacob

[you laughed with]: Becky

-D O .Y O U / / A R E .Y O U-

[could you live without the computer?]: No

[what's your favorite food?]: I haven't been eating lately...

[whats ur favorite fruit?]: Watermelon?

[what hurts the most? physical pain or emotional pain?]: Emotional

[trust others way too easily?]: I do, but I never open up to anyone, so you wouldn't know it

-N U M B E R-

[of times i have had my heart broken? ]: None- I have avoided it at all costs 

[of hearts i have broken?]: 5?

[of drugs taken illegally?] : None

[of tight friends?] : You mean close friends? 2 or 3. Tight friends? Too many to count.

[of cd's that i own?] : About 30?

[of scars on my body?] : Too many to count

[of things in my past that i regret?] : A lot, but they don't bother me too much anymore

-O.T.H.E.R.T.H.I.N.G.S.-

[i know]: It'll all be okay in time.

[i wish]: I could be happy with myself

[i hate]: Racism!!!

[i miss]: Erin, and thinking I was happy (being a kid)

[i fear]: Failure and rejection from God (even though it's not possible) 

[i hear]: Right now? Onion Girl, by Holly Cole

[i love]: Music, kids, my few friends, helping people, making someone smile

[i care]: About everthing. Too general, I know.

[i will always]: Question myself and personal intentions

[i dance]: Not good at all

[i cry]: Never (or pretty damn close to it)

[i write]: Personal narratives, really. I have an online journal, and I love writing essays in class!

[i confuse]: Everyone I talk to

[i can usually be found]: At the computer, at school, at work, at Applebees, or at church

[i need]:  A life, a boyfriend, to find out who I am and what I really want in life

[wish you saw more often]: Erin, Becky, Emily

[most sarcastic]: Me, Michele, and EB

[knows you best]: Becky

[most entertaining]:Becky

[love to be around]: Becky, Emily, Erin 

[nicest]: Erin

[gives the best advice]: BECKY! and Erin

[you are with most often]: I'm never with anyone but kids. I talk to Emily the most, then Becky, and Erin the least (she's in grad school and very busy) 

-Self-Analysis.You.Probably.Don't.Want.To.Do-

 [your best feature (personality)]: Hmm... understanding?

[annoying thing you do]: I act like a kid. 

[biggest mistake you've made this far]: ??? Not trusting God will take care of everything

[describe your personality in one word]: Mine

[the physical feature for which you are most often complimented]: My legs (and my looks, but they're lying!!!)

[height]: 5'10?

[a smell that makes you smile]: Adidas cologne!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't know of anything else

[a drink you order most often]: Coke- simple enough... unless they only serve Pepsi products... then Pepsi 

[a delicious dessert]: My birthday cake- if I knew what it was called, I'd tell you

[a book you highly recommend]:  Song of Solomon by Toni Morrison, (sadly) Heart of Darkness by... someone- I forgot, Things Fall Apart, by Chinua Achebe, Joy Luck Club by Amy Tan... and all all those other AP Literature and AP Language books we read

[the music you prefer while alone]: Any kind, just depends on my mood

[your favorite band]: ?? Ellery, formerly Dividing the Plunder

[a film you could watch over and over]: Wizard of Oz, Napoleon Dynamite, A Midsummer Night's Dream (only because I don't have the play itself), Secret Garden, Mother Goose Rock N Rhyme, Fern Gully, Hook, and any classic Disney movie

[you live in a(n)]: ...House...? 

[your transportation]: My car 

[under your bed or in your closet you hide]: Usually stupid stuff I'm hiding from my brother 

Ya know what? ARGH!!!! Emily's mad at me... but she's not mad at me... she's mad at some guy... and she won't tell me what's going on... Now, we have talked about everything, so this is no problem. So, why is she just yelling at me in jibberish?!

Then there's Stacey, who can go flush her head in a toilet. She's not going to talk to me because of some secret that I'm not allowed to know, I guess. She's going to spend 3 months not talking to me, and then kind of talk, but not really. All I've gotten out of her in the past 3 months is 'hey, yeah, I'm sorry. what's up? nuttin you?' What the hell?!

Then there's Rob- the guy Emily likes a lot. He hates me because I talked to him and turned around and told Emily that he likes her, just not as a boyfriend. Which is stupid, because, first of all, I'm helping Emily- you can be with me or against me. Number the next one, you're just a horny little 14 year old boy who is mad because someone reminded you that you were a kid, and you're pride has taken a major hit, and it kills you- you egotistical... I'll stop there. But you're helping Emily, so we're good. I can compromise.

Oh, but we can't forget Felipe. Who is Emily's ex boyfriend, but wants to go back out with her, because she said she might have sex with him. Because he's some obsessive compulsive, paranoid, schitzo, psychotic FREAK who can't figure out how to treat a girl. But seemingly knows how to talk girls into whatever he wants, because, sure enough, Emily wants him back. F#&^*$!!!!!!!

Oh, but there's always Emily. Who I love like my own sister. But she's at that age where everthing's wrong! And she's quick to ask my advice, only to yell at me because it's not what she wants to hear. If it wasn't Emily, I wouldn't take the abuse. But, because it's Emily, I'll deal with it. We have been through piles of shit and fields of flowers together. She's seen me cry (which means she's stuck with me), and I lost my job because I wanted to actually help her. I just love getting yelled at all the time for something I haven't a clue about. It's fun and exciting. Like hell it is!

I love kids. I love that age. It's an age where everything happens. Everything. It's the most important age of a person's life. It's the time when everything's wrong, and nothing's fixable, but it is- if only you can find the solution. It's the time when you don't seem to be growing up at all- only everyone, but you, seems to think otherwise. It's the age where every little thing you do either makes or breaks you. When a person actually becomes a person- not some... 'kid'. When they're teachable. They're reachable. When they don't understand anything, don't want to find out, but are willing to take chances to learn by experience- rather than be told what's right and what's wrong. It's a beautiful age. An age I missed. An age I love. An age I refuse to give up on, because everyone gave up on me. It's an age where there's hope.

Why do I love kids, people ask? I just do.

I think I want to be a social worker. I need something that I'm going to love, and where I can spend time with the kids, on a one on one basis. Being a teacher, it's technically illegal. Being a lawyer, it's not possible. Being a school counselor, it's... not legal. With social work, you have to spend time with the kids. I love helping people, so, whatever it was that I chose as a career, would involve helping people. Then, I found that I love kids. So, school counseling/ school psychology came to mind. But that takes time and money, and lottsa dedication that I know for a fact I cannot give. (Unfortunately, I cannot stay focused on one thing for too long.) I was talking with my mentor, and she suggested social work. It sounds promising enough. Fair pay, time with whatever age I choose, happiness in what I enjoy, helping people, etc.

Now, if I can find a better career, I might change again. But I don't think I will. This sounds like it's it. We'll find out.

I cannot apologize enough for what I did. Without going into details, I will just say I was wrong. It happens. Whoever told you I was perfect and never wrong lied to you. I don't have excuses for what I did. Even if I had them, I probably wouldn't use them. Because no excuse makes it right.

You're awesome. Period. You mean the world to Emily. And, heck, I enjoyed talking with you, too. But you're Emily's friend. I will fight for you any time- just as I would fight for Emily. I just had a pissy moment- and it involved you. For that, I am sorry.

I am here when/if you ever need me. As a friend, adult... whatever. You're great. Keep that in mind, and don't change a damn thing.

Now, whether you're going to talk to me or not, I am still funna attempt to check up on you every once in a while. With your first email, I'm not going to let it go. That email stays between you and me. And I'd like to know how you're doing now and then.

Good night.

	underweight (bmi<20)
	normal weight (bmi 20-25)
	overweight (bmi>25)

-----------------------------------------------------------

I am about 15 pounds underweight. And dropping...

I am about to leave for my Monday night Bible study. Not that anyone cares, anyway. I just wanted to stop and mention I have gained 5 pounds. It's not much, and it's all fat, not muscle, so it'll be gone by Wednesday, but I did gain the weight. I'm not so excited. I don't really care. Again, it's not muscle, it's fat, so I don't want it anyway. At this rate, I'll never gain anything back...

I'm feeling a little better, but I'm not back to the me everyone thought they knew- can you tell? Heh.

For anyone who isn't aware, and actually cares, I have gotten less than 10 hours of sleep since last Thursday (by my own fault), and haven't eaten near enough to even conpensate for a little kid. There's the run down. Now, for a few details...

I went to this kid's Bible study Monday night, and, again, he's all Calvinist. It starts at 8:30P, and ends at 9:30P... However, every week, I end up staying after everyone leaves, help pick up the apartment a little (because I'm a neat freak, and have this thing about being a guest in someone else's home, so I am somewhat obligated to clean... anyway), and ask questions about the class, and the kid's (he's not a kid, though- he's older than I am... 26?) beliefs. So, long story short, last night I stayed an hour longer than normal. When I got home (remember, I don't have a curfew- never have- as long as I call if I'm going to be out past 12:30-1A-- which, last night, I didn't), I got yelled at for having not called. Well, it wasn't so much yelling, just a "how come you didn't call?" quick question and a "try to remember next time so we're not worried about you" (yeah, right) deal, and it's over. *I know that comment seemed harsh, but my parents and I don't ever talk, and we don't agree on pretty much anything, and they want me to be happy, but their idea of happy is having a good job that pays well- not necessarily doing anything that makes me happy.*

Ok, so, my main thought from the other night. Let's see if anyone can keep up...

According to the kid, God has pre-destined everything. However, he said we have a choice and free will. Now, from a non-Calivnist's perspective (mine), if God has pre-planned everything, how do we have a choice? How do we have free will? One would think God has already made the choice for us... right? Skip made the comparison to Minority Report, when Tom Cruise saw him killing someone, and it came true. From Skip's point of view, there was no way Cruise could have stopped himself from killing the man, because it was already pre-destined. However, if Cruise would have chosen to lock himself in a room for the 24 hours (the machine predicted crimes 24 hours in advance, for those who didn't see the movie), he could have avoided it all. I am not sure that has anything to do with Calivinism, but that was my two sense on the movie... Anyway, Skip says that's how God's plan works. It's already pre-destined, and there's nothing that can be done about it. Well, think about it, doesn't that contradict what he said about us having a choice? If there's nothing we can do about God's plan, we don't have a choice.

Then, there was a conversation about faith, salvation, and 'the called'. Skip says 'the called' are the only people who are able to go to Heaven, and God has already chosen those individuals. He also said that since they have already been called, everyone else, regardless of what we do or say, will not be saved. Long story short, in his exact words, evangelism is pointless. Well, come on, if evangelism is pointless, why is this class about election and evangelism? But, he also stated that his father isn't saved, and he blamed it on God for so long, but now he understands that it's not God's fault, because his father has a choice... but, umm, we don't have a choice, remember?

Then there's our conversation about how "God grants grace upon his chosen ones, and that grace is the only thing faith is based upon. Without God's grace, we have no faith. But, he only bestowes grace upon his chosen people, 'the called'. And, just as God has the power to withdraw Himself from people in order to harden their hearts, thus they sin, accomplishing His ultimate plan, he has the power to grant you more faith... hence your growing faith. This, on its own, raises questions.

If God withdraws Himself in order for our hearts to harden (because our hearts are naturally hardened, and his grace open our hearts to Him), and cause us to sin, in order to accomplish His plan, wouldn't that be like saying God is telling us to sin? So, let me get this straight... God's saying I'm pulling my grace from you in order for you to sin and act fulfill My plan. Go, and sin. ?? That makes no sense to me, whatsoever. Whether for His plan or not, why would God have a hand in our sinning? And, if God has the power to remove Himself in order for our hearts to harden- after he bestowes His grace- and His grace is what gives us our faith- wouldn't He, then, be the fault for our losing faith? He would have taken our faith away. But, when I asked Skip about this, Skip said it is our own fault when we lose faith... How is that, by a Calvinist's belief?

Eh, there's more questions to be answered. I am, actually, enjoying these Bible studies. My questioning everything only helps me in my own faith. I don't agree with Skip's beliefs at all. But the two of us have come to a mutual agreement, that, whether we agree or not, my faith is being strengthened. And Skip and I don't agrue, or force the other to change their beliefs. I only ask to understand. He answers so I will understand. Because I understand, doesn't mean I will change my beliefs. It only means I understand where a Calvinist stands, and what they believe.

There ya go. It's nothing for anyone who doesn't care. But I care. And I'm interested. So, there. Ahaha.

I am still kind of stressing over this Calvinism thing. It's not really a stressing matter, so much as, I don't agree with it, and am only trying to understand. But, through my trying to understand, logic is kicking in, and telling me that none of this is making any sense. Thats not true. I do agree with some things, but that's what's strengthening my faith. Because I agree with certain, it is butting heads with what I believe, and I have to ask my questions in order to find the truth, what I believe to be true, and go from there.

Does anyone know anything about Calvinism? If not, and you know about the Bible, and God, I would be willing to work with that, too. My next question: Is anyone willing to have a long, likely very random (but all makes sense if you can keep up with me), conversation about election (Calvinism)?

I am so incredibly and helplessly lost in this subject. And it doesn't help a damn thing that I do not know as much abou the Bible as I probably should. So, while Skip's giving verse after verse supporting Calvinism, I know there are verses against it, but sure 'nough don't know any of them.

As I'm sure I've said before, I don't like being preached at, so I go by the big picture, not verses. Talking and relating, not verses and direct quotes. Which, doesn't help a thing when being bombarded with verses all night long.

*Sigh* I have nothing to freak out over. I know it's okay. I just don't understand that belief, so it's hard to grasp the concept.

Even after last night, I am going out to dinner again. Last night, I paid- tonight, he pays. Hehe, dummy,  he's gotta pick some more expensive restaurant, though. I feel like I wanna take advantage of it, and get something I'm going to enjoy (but is kinda not cheap)... But I am soooo not like that. Damn. Haha

I had a girl tell me to eat today. She was leaving work, and she kind of mouthed to me that I really needed to eat something this weekend. Ok, the story. Someone told her she was fat. She's only 11. And she starved herself, and was Baker Acted to the hospital for a couple days. I had a quick, 'you're not in any trouble but need to uunderstand what you're doing', talk, and make sure she knew I understood what just happened to her. I told her that I have had some kind of eating disorder since middle school-- her age-- and it has only gotten worse, and now I only eat enough to make it without being confined to the hospital.

She told me that she never would have guessed, and I replied, telling her that I don't do it because I'm "fat" though. She didn't really understand, but it's okay. It's personal, and extremely complicating, so I don't expect anyone to understand. But she understood my concern, and all was okay with the world.

Just because I do it, guys, doesn't mean it's okay.

So, as she was leaving (I was waiting with another kid, until her mom came to pick her up- I wasn't even clocked in, which made my bosses question my intentions of working with kids... I think they saw why I do what I do, and liked it) (that, and I always forget to pick up my paycheck, and have to be reminded every time),  she asked that I eat something this weekend. I asked that she eat something this weekend. And an unspoken, mutual agreement/promise was made to eat something this weekend.

My kids hold me accountable for every little thing- good or bad. It's a good thing. I love my job more than you could imagine.

I'm feeling a little dumb tonight. I went to dinner with this kid and his friends. Which was all fine and well. Except they were all from our ghetto high school, in IB, and all... just kids. My kids at work are more mature than these guys were! That's pretty flippin' sad, people! Instead of the 4 I thought were going to be there, there were actually 8 of us. And I've only met one of the 8 before. The rest weren't there while I was still in high school.

I met my first gay guy. There was nothing wrong with it, whatsoever. Again, because I have no problem with homosexual people, it was more interesting than anything. I have met plenty lesbian women, and kind of expected men to be just as laid back. Oh hell no. Definitely not. I'm glad I met him, though. As strange as that sounds. Because I can now say I have met a gay guy, and can honestly say I have no issues with them, either.

My friend bought my dinner, and I didn't get the most expensive thing on the menu-- he picked it for me. I wasn't even going to eat. He ordered dessert, and tried to feed me some of it. Umm, not hardly. After dinner, we went mini golfing. Note: I hate mini golf with a passion. But went anyway, because I haven't been home before 10P for the past 2 weeks, and didn't want to ruin it tonight. So I was stuck.

Remember, this kid likes me, and knows better than to say or do anything. Tonight, he walked up behind me, and offered to "help me putt." I told him no... but in a split second, it donned on me what I had just said, so, being so incredibly intelligent (do I detect a hint of sarcasm?), I told him that I didn't want him to help me, because that's cheating, and if I'm going to lose, I wanna lose fair and square. He tried to "teach" me all night, but I soon fixed it by hitting the ball too hard, and into the sloppily man-made lake (I can say that, because I remember, at age 4-5, my father and his friend Shawn dug the lake and its streams- and it was very sloppily done). I am bad at mini golf, but not bad enough to hit it that hard. I think he kinda figured that, but no one was willing to go all the way back to the office to buy a new ball, so I went without the rest of the game. Am I smart, or what?

After the game was over, a huge storm was rolling in, and it began pouring. Again, I figured before I left home, if, for whatever reason that happened, I'd be prepared: I wore a dark blue shirt- not the white shirt I had on from work. All night, anyway, though, he was staring at my chest. Your typical 15 year old boy... I mean, it'd be somewhat more understandable if I had something for him to look at. That doesn't make it right, just more understandable- from his perspective.

As he climbed into his friend's car, I quickly climbed into mine (can anyone take a guess as to why? heh), and he called out to me that we'll do this again. Just the two of us. Without all the distractions.

After last night and tonight- on top of all the small comments every other time we get together, I don't want to do anything with him again. Maybe that's just me being mean or rude... Or maybe not. I don't like him. He can't get a damn girlfriend, so he's limited to his friend, who's a girl, and who probably wouldn't know one lie from the next. He's so dumb.

I, honestly, hope not all guys are that stupid. If so, I will never get a boyfriend- because I refuse to have a conversation with a monkey-brained, half-witted person who can't count to 10. No boyfriend, no husband. No husband, no sex. No sex, no kids. No kids... Damn. I guess I should start coming up with a back-up future plan, huh? Just kidding.

I feel incredibly used right now. But nothing happened. It's just the fact that I continue to give this kid a chance to not get his ass whooped by a girl, and he keeps doing this not so smart stuff. I know his momma taught him better than that! I've met the woman. I know she did. He's got the manners- just not the meanings behind them. I don't know, but something seems wrong with that, to me.

I don't think I'll ever get a boyfriend. I feel I'm too mean.

From a girl's perspective, do you think I did the right thing? From a guy's perspective, do you think I did the wrong thing? I don't generally hang out with guys. When I do, it's normally in a group setting- but it's with the guys at church. Obviously, I am very far from social. I have my personal morals and standards. So, with such strict rules (with a guy friend), how does a girl know where to draw the line between a guy flirting and just being really nice? Guys, how do I know if you're being really nice, or flirting????

I would greatly appreciate some kind of feedback. Thank you.

How You Life Your Life

You have a good sense of self control and hate to show weakness. You tend to avoid confrontation and stay away from sticky situations. You tend to have one best friend you hang with, as opposed to many aquaintences. You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable.

I would say that's definitely pretty accurate.

Oops. I found an error on the quiz I took. "How do you life your life?" Think about it a second, and feel free to laugh... quietly, though, so no one will think you're a little nuts...

Now, I have to look up my record for child care classes. I guess to be a child care worker, you have to have completed 40 hours within 90 days of being hired, and 10 additional hours after your 90 day/1 year probationary period. So far, I have completed 20 hours (and passed the exams, thank goodness)- but no one knows when my period started, so we don't know how much time we have to work with. *Sigh* And I can't get on the freaking site to register for my classes.

Nice.

I'm feeling a little... eh, don't worry about it.

Let me just say that my 'doing fine' with food is no longer doing so fine. As of tonight, I have to start all over again. I was feeling great about 10 minutes ago, but not anymore. I'd say what happened, but kind of can't.

So, as certain cuss words spew from my mouth, as I climb in bed tonight... I have let myself down again. I could very well blame someone else for my feeling this way, but won't. There is no point in blaming someone else for my mistake.

Heh, I'm a little... not happy (I'm trying to watch my language in this journal)... but it'll be okay. We'll see how this plays out. I'm betting it'll be ugly.

But, it doesn't matter what's going on, I won't say it. All you need to know is that I... this *watch language, watch language, watch language* anorexia thing probably... crap. I'm working on it.

Because it is a control issue, not a weight or depression issue, it will take longer- for me. And, all this *language* isn't helping. Here we go again.

I almost forgot what I said I was going to make an entry on, but I didn't. I am way too tired to be doing this right now...

For the past many weeks, I have been going to work early, and staying late (before/after I clock in/out), just to hang out with the kids. Because I want to be with the older kids, and am stuck with the litte kids, I only hang out with the older ones- because, well, I'm confined to the brats all afternoon- who would want more? Anyway. This afternoon, a co-worker asked me what I was going to major in, and I told them I wasn't quite sure, but something with kids. I told her that I wanted something in social work, at the moment, because it allows me to interact with them, rather than not (with teachers, etc). I said if I wasn't doing social work, I'd end up doing something I hated, for the money, and volunteering with a youth group at a church, for no money. Either way, I'm funna be with kids.

The woman is going to look me dead in the eye, and tell me that I don't want to get into social work. What the...?!?!?! I, politely, asked her what she meant (because I could have very well taken it the wrong way), and she said I shouldn't go into social work, because they make no money at all. She said I need to do something that offers a decent wage for that much time, effort, headaches, etc.

So, in my cockiness, I looked at her and replied "If I cared about the money, I wouldn't have this job, now would I? The money doesn't mean a thing to me. It's helping someone everyone else has given up on."

Being a good 20+ years older than me, she just looked at me in silence and disbelief. I am fully aware that I have disrespected an elder. Exuse me, please. I was raised to respect your elders, yes. However, I am so sick and tired of everyone telling me what I can and can't do, what I do and don't want, what will and won't make me happy, etc. I get it from family all the time- I sure enough don't need it from a stranger.

I meant what I said to her. However, I apologize for the way I said it. I could have been nicer about it, I'm sure.

So, Harmony (who was sitting next to me, and is a foster child, and knows I'm mean when called for, but pretty laid back, for the most part) looked at me in disbelief, too, but understood what I was saying- because she's been there, heck, she's there right now. She looked at me and simply smiled. Caitlyn (Harmony's foster sister, going through the same mess, and sitting across the room) looked back at me, knowing I am fully capable of lashing out at anyone, smiled too, because not too long ago, I jumped down a couple kid's throats for making fun of them for being foster children.

In the end, after my co-worker's mouth finally began to close (you have to understand, first, that I am quiet-- goofy, but quiet-- and respectful, because my two bosses were my daycare sitters growing up), she looked at me and said "Well, you are great with these kids. I don't know how you do it, but you're awesome." And she shut up and finished watching the movie.

All the kids in the room were unusually quiet for those 3-5 minutes we were talking. I love my kids. What can I say?

Needless to say, I am pretty angry with her comment. However, I managed to throw it back in her face, so I guess I won??? It doesn't matter who won or lost. I'm in it for the kids, not the money. I guess I am so angry because my parents said pretty much the same thing. They told me it made me a nobody to work with kids my whole life. And that kids will do nothing but bring headaches, and no money. And that you can't ever be happy if you don't have a nice home, family, etc. I beg to differ. Money's got absolutely nothing to do with happiness. Money's great, mind you, but not everything. So, I'm pissed because she said what my parents said.

That'll do it every time.

I though Calvinism was as simple as God pre-destines everything. It makes sense. When I heard this, I thought I might be Calvinist. But then I heard more. Calvinism comes with election. It's not just Calvinism... election. It's Calvinism and election, in a packaged deal.

Election refers to God only choosing His elect. Only the people he pre-destines to go to Heaven will go to Heaven. Nothing said or done can change that. I suppose it makes a little sense. But I'd like to believe God's not going to look at someone and say I didn't send my son for you, go to Hell. That's just my personal opinion. Election seems like that is the way it works. With election, evangelism means nothing, because if God pre-elected his chosen ones, spreading the Word is absolutely pointless. So, I asked Skip about evangelism, and he never really answered me, so I think I caught him without an answer... Haha. I asked him, if God pre-elects His people, and nothing can change that, evangelism is pointless, so the only means to evangelism is to glorify God- not to bring someone to Him? He said it was, but wan't. It kinda goes both ways, so maybe I confused him? I don't know, but Skip didn't have an answer.

Okay, there's more that I don't agree with. I have verses in my Bible, but I'm not about to start listing them (maybe in my other journal sometime)... But the Bible says God draws Himself toward people- which opens their hearts to Him- and causes good deeds. On our own, man can do no good. That makes sense. However, if God has the power to draw Himself toward people, He also has the power to withdraw Himself from people in order to harden their hearts, and cause them to sin. Now, if God has pre-destined everything, we don't have a choice, because it's already been made. If the choice has already been made, God made it, right? If God made it, it was His choice that we sinned. And God wouldn't just up and tell us to sin. On the other hand, say He didn't pre-plan every decision we make, but withdraws Himself in order for us to fulfill His plan. Just as He draws near to us for good, He withdraws Himself so that we will sin, in order to accomplish His plan. So, if this is true, God is saying I am pulling My grace and glory from your heart so that you may sin for Me. Go and sin. Something about God telling us to sin for His greater good doesn't seem quite right to me.

Eh, I don't know. Next week is Skip's last week before he goes back to school. From there, I only have his email, and am free to ask questions any time. I think I might take advantage of it, because I am not so sure I know everything I want to/ need to know about Calvinism.

Don't get me wrong, I believe that God has a plan for everyone. I don't believe God makes our decisions for us, though. I believe we have a choice. Like Skip said (which totally contradicted himself, when he said we don't have a choice), we have a choice: Door A or Door B. Whatever we choose, I believe, will ultimately tie into His plan for us. But I don't think he chooses the door for us before we turn the corner and approach the door. 

I need someone to sit down and talk with... heh.

10 things that scare me:

1. Rejection

2. Failure

3. Having to trust someone

4. Love

5. Getting hurt

6. Losing someone I love...

7. ...Getting attached to someone

8.

9.

10.

9 Things that attract me to the opposite sex:

1. Eyes

2. Personality

3. Christianity

4. Humor

5. Intelligence

6. Common sense- haha

7. Respect

8. Smile

9. Singing- haha... just kidding... Sincerity

8 things I love:

1. Helping people

2. Friends

3. Chocolate

4. Food

5. Music

6. Sports

7. My kids at work

8. Guys

7 things I dislike:

1. Racism

2. Fake people

3. Being so complicated

4. Being so mysterious

5. Knowing so much, but not enough

6. Myself

7. Guys

6 random facts about me:

1. I can be very mean

2. I am not always so understanding

3. My friends call me an 'Ugly Duckling', because I've never had a boyfriend

4. I am 5'9- 5'10

5. I have 1 (younger) sister, 1 (younger) half-brother, 2 (younger) half-sisters, and 1 (older) half sister (never met her)

6. I am really anti-social-- until I get to know you, and feel 100% comfortable talking with you

5 things I plan to do before I die:

1. Get a boyfriend!!!!! Haha

2. Be happy

3. Make a difference to someone

4. Get married and have kids

5. Prove everyone who said I wouldn't make it wrong

4 things I want to do right now:

1. Help Emily

2. Play volleyball with close friends

3. Spend the day with Erin... it's been 6 years

4. Go to a batting cage... just kidding. Get to know my friends more.

3 things that annoy me:

1. Lack of common sense

2. Sick, twisted humor- or even serious people

3. My family, sadly

2 things I can do:

1. Confuse people

2. Be wrong

1 thing I can't do:

1. Like myself for who I am, believe it or not

Remember that co-worker who told me I didn't want to be a social worker? Yeah, well, I found out, today, that she hates me because I play too much. May I explain myself, here, please?! (I'm getting angry, and that's near impossible, so bear with me a bit.)

The two of us have only had one conversation. That conversation consisted of her telling me what I don't want to do with my life, and me very politely (I didn't know it was possible for me to be so mean, but polite- one would never know I was being rude to her, I was that nice) throwing back in her face. She has never seen me at work, either. At our facility, the older groups and younger groups are strictly separated. So, she has only seen me when I hang out with the older kids before I clock in. From there, I am not at work. I am not their counselor yet- I am a friend/mentor. Keeping this in mind, I'm going to continue.

With that age, you cannot just yell at them everytime they do something wrong. At the same time, you can't talk to them like they're adults, and understand everything. They are old enough to not be stupid, and still young enough to teach them and reach out to them. When I am working, I am their counselor, and they know this. But, that relationship has been established, from my coming in before work and staying after, just to hang out with them. This way, when something happens (like Emily's depression, Harmony's severe anorexia, Caitlyn's foster visits, etc), they know I am going to do my best to take care of them. So, while the group leaders are yelling at them for every little thing, the kids aren't listening to them, because they're treating the kids like they're incompetent. Think about it, would you listen to someone who talked to you like that?

So, when she's sitting there yelling at the kids because they're sneezing too loud, or laughing too loud, or not sitting up straight enough- or whatever it is she can find to yell at them about- I walk in, and everything's okay. Yes, we goof around. Yes ma'am, I am not a very serious person 24/7. And, I do, indeed, spend time with my kids and just hang out. I am not being payed to watch them, so I am not going to act all professional... I mean, be fake... just so these kids will accept me. So, in my playfulness, I am accomplishing more than she will in her seriousness. And, I believe I made that comment to her at one point yesterday- about how you've gotta give them an opportunity, you've gotta relate to them, let them relate to you, hang out with them, find out what's going on, the best way to talk with them, and how they feel about, well, everything.

In my personal opinion, it is kind of childish to dislike someone because they choose to take a different approach to something so seemingly difficult. But, at the same time, I feel a little selfish and childish for being angry with her because she doesn't agree with my approach. She's got to be every bit of 35 years old, so I think her age makes it seem even more immature to me. I don't want to be so angry about it, but that's kinda... shitty. I mean, what if I disliked her for something so stupid? Or even all my other co-workers? We've all got our own ways of doing things. Mine is to get to know the kid I'm dealing with- rather than treating them like just another one of those damn kids. Ya know?

-------------------------

I worked all day today. I couldn't sleep last night, so I didn't fall asleep until about 3A. I woke up and hour before my alarm clock went off (5A), and was at work by 8A. I worked until 5P (but stayed until 5:45 with my kids), with only a half hour lunch break. Not to mention, I was with the worst group the whole time. No food, no sleep, terrible unreachable kids, a rude boss, a co-worker telling her kids she hates me all day, and too much on my mind... isn't a good thing. Especially for me.

The girl who starved herself didn't eat lunch today. I saw her drinking milk, though. But when I asked what she had for lunch, she told me she ate nothing. Again, we didn't shake on anything, so I can't hold her to anything. It's all good. I understand it. And know how to work around that. Because I'm good like that- haha. When she left, I asked her if she would please just eat something tomorrow for lunch. Not the whole plate of food they set in front of you and expect everyone to eat, but just something. She said she would. I told her that we're not shaking on this, so I am not holding it to her at all, but that I am asking her to do this because I want her to get better. She asked me if I would eat something, and I told her I'd eat if she would. She said she would eat a little something if I ate a little something, too. Maybe this will work. I hope so.

As for this perverted freaking little midgit 7 year old freaking PSYCHO (!!!!), he really got on my nerves today. He's not usually so bad, but I had to handle him my own way. This is one of those kids you can't find any one way to 'reach out' to- he's juat helpless. That sounds bad. Anyone who knows me knows that I would never say that unless it is true. I love kids, and would do almost anything to help them. But this kid is a lost cause. Long story short, he threatened the other kids, made fun of a hearing impared (that pisses me off, right there) kid, threatened me, threatened his dad (who wasn't even there at the time), and laughed in my face, because I legally can't touch him. All I could do was yell at him. So, he didn't play at all today. This kid was so incredibly loud and obnoxious that everyone knew I was having problems with him. So, when his dad walked in, I told him what had happened. There were kids around, so I didn't tell him exactly what he said and did (so it made it sound not so bad), but the kid's gonna get it.

I about lost my mind today. I thought, for sure, I was going to strangle me a little cockroach-looking boy today. Oh, and when I clocked out, my one boss looked at me and said "So I'll see your bright and cheery face at 8AM tomorrow, right?" I replied "Am I going to be with the same group?" And my other boss laughed, because I am awesome with kids, but cannot be with that group for 3 hours in the afternoon- why in the world would someone wanna put me with them all freaking day?! That's just plain stupid.

-------------------------

Anyway. My dad's taking the qutting smoking thing harder than my mom is. Which is definitely a shock to me. Mom's been smoking since she was 13, and dad's been smoking since he was maybe 15. But she's a lot testier than he is. He's just a big baby. (Can you tell my parents and I don't exactly talk like a normal family?) But it's great. I went through my candy stash tonight, and offered my mom whatever she wanted. She only took some candy canes... Hmm. But I have all this stuff she is more than welcome to if it'll help. She wants to quit. Granted, we don't have a great mother-daughter relationship (by far), but if it'll make her happy to quit smoking, I'll help where possible. I mean, she's my mom, and deserves a heck of a lot more credit than anyone gives her.

That co-worker (who 'hates me because I play too much') walked up to me with this huge soda (I never drink soda, either) from the gas station. Maybe I should say a little more than just that. I woke up 2 hours before my alarm clock went off this morning (this time, it was 4A), and went back to sleep. I didn't get into work until 8:30A (when I was asked to be there at 8A, 9A at the latest). I had to have something to wake me up right away, so I took one of my dad's Mountain Dew's. Again, I didn't get to sleep until about 3A (so do the math, and go ahead and wonder how I'm able to survive with no food or sleep).

When we went inside, I was talking with my kids, and letting them know what was going on (generally... some things they don't need to know), and she walked in and asked me if I wanted the drink. I just kind of looked at her cock-eyed, because it might be poisoned or something (me being a kid- I wasn't serious), and she told me that she bought me a large Mountain Dew. I took it, but only because I was tired as all get up and go, and wouldn't have survived without something. I know my boss, and I knew I wouldn't get a break until 2:30P, so I took it.

I was shocked, to say the least. But it was okay. I'm still a little angered by her childishness, but it's all good. I mean, come on, me- stay mad?!?! HAHAHA! Yeah, right.

On the same note, Harmony ate lunch today!! I asked that she eat just a little something at lunch today, walked in, and she ate just about all of it. She said she ate it just for me. It took her forever to eat it, but she was determined to eat it. I had no part of this, but because she ate, I came home during my break and ate something. I was so happy that she actually ate something, though. I eat a little here and there. I eat just enough to get the digestive juices flowing (making me not hungry anymore), and that's it. She doesn't eat at all. So, I will gladly eat if she eats. If that's what it takes for her to get through this, I'll do it.

That's it for now. I'm not feeling great, but not feeling bad. It's like a minor depression for absolutely no known reason, thing.

Onion Girl, by Holly Cole

I'm a bit unstable, she said
With a Cheshire grin
So many cracks in my sidewalk, boy
Don't you fall in.

Feels like the things that I've wanted
The most in this life
I can't have
So you see I've been damning the world
Before it damns me

She said I'm naked and shameless
And I'm peeling back the layers
Like an onion girl

Don't try to save me
Just stay away
'Cause I might make you cry
Like an onion girl
Like an onion girl

Second grade playground
I still haven't the nerve
Fear is under my skin
Like St. Anthony's fire
And I can't stand the burn
Yeah

So let's break a little bread, have a little laugh
I haven't laughed for a while
'Cause it's a long road back, yes
From the womb tonight

I'm naked, shameless
And peeling back the layers
Like an onion girl

Don't try to save me
Just stay away
'Cause I might make you cry, yes
Like an onion girl
Like an onion girl

She said I'm naked, shameless
And I'm peeling back the layers
Like an onion girl

Don't try to save me
Just stay away
'Cause I might make you cry
Like an onion girl

She said I'm naked and shameless
And peeling back the layers
Like, like an onion girl

Don't try to save me
Just stay away
'Cause I might make you cry
Like an onion girl
Like an onion girl, yeah
Like an onion girl

When I watched a movie with this song (Molly? Minnie? What's that movie called?), it stuck with me immediately. If I had to pick a song that best described me, it would be a close tie between this song and Anna Nalick's Breathe.

I have to say I've felt like this for the longest time, it seems. I can't seem to shake myself of this worthless feeling... How depressing.

Hmm. I went to a Bible study last night. Unfortunately, John didn't have time, this week, to prepare it. I have never had a rootbeer float, and he ran out of rootbeer, so we went to the store to get some. I opted to go with him, just for a personal Bible study... thingy. Anyway, I got to thinking some.

If election be the case, God only chooses certain people. Before creation, of course, but He still only chooses certain people. Now, Skip make a valid point: God is not obligated to do anything, or choose anyone. Good point. However, with election comes a sort of favoritism, right? Ok, maybe not. But why would God only choose certain people?

If there is an election process, then Jesus dying on the cross was only intended for certain people- not everyone. If Jesus only died on the cross for God's elect, then God only loves those people. Doesn't the Bible say God sent His Son because He loves everyone? Well, with election, God wouldn't love everyone, because He didn't send His Son for everyone, but for the people He has chosen.

Maybe that's not what Calvinists believe, but, doesn't it makes sense? Logically, if there is election, God only loves certain people enough to send His Son for only them. But that's not what the Bible says. The Bible says God sent His Son to die for everyone. If you're willing to accept and believe that Jesus died for our sins, and God sent His Son so that we may not rot in Hell, but rejoice in Heaven, then you're good to go. Right?

Now, I understand all the 'grace of God' and 'faith through God' and the 'hardening of our hearts' and whatnot. But I do not believe in election. For this reason only. I'm quite interested in it, though.

---------------------------

On a completely different note: Know how we were talking about 'keepers'? And how I know this guy who's a keeper? (John is that guy.) Last night, I walked in his house, and he had this shirt on that read "I'm a keeper." I don't know. It wasn't funny, exactly, but ironic.

--------------------------

Now, I've got to get ready for church. I told my mom I might go, and she's going to the store, so I can't be home when she gets back. I stayed out all night last night. We left for John's at about 5P, and I left his house around 11:30P. I would have stayed later and talked, but he was tired. Our Saturday nights normally run til about 1A, so I was a little early in getting home. But between my 3 cats, I was so kindly kicked out of bed...

Haven't eaten anything today. I woke up so hungry I got sick. I don't think I've ever had that happen before. I have had the same piece of gum since 8A, though. The I gnawed the flavor out of it by 10A, but never got rid of it. I was no longer hungry by the time the flavor was gone, thank goodness.

My parents left, and told us just to have leftovers for dinner before I run to my Bible study tonight. I never eat, but she never knows. I think it's a waste though. To hide this problem, I have to heat up the leftovers, and dump it in the garbage disposal. I don't know about you, but I'd say that's a waste of perfectly good food.

I'm not sure if I want to stop and get something tonight before or after the Bible study. I don't feel like eating, but I told Emily I'd try to start eating more. So, I kind of have to. Me and my big mouth, I know. Does a glass of milk count? If not, I won't drink it. But if it does, I'll just do that.

I found out that you burn more calories eating celery and apples than there are in the food, itself. I don't know, but that's pretty cool. I don't have to worry about burning calories, but it's good to know. One of those scientific things no one understands, but is fun to learn. Like, something about almonds... Oh, I remember! Polyunsaturated fat is the really good stuff, and you get a bunch of it from almonds. Our Anatomy professor told us that. And water flushes everything from the body.

Anorexic people drink a lot of water, and people who are bulimic, but don't throw up as much drink water, too. Water can not be broken down, but can break down anything. When you drink water when you're hungry, your stomach is being lined by the water, so the digestive acids are released, and eats away at your stomach- slowly but surely. And, you'd never know it if you didn't know the science of the body, and chemistry of water.

Well, there are some stupid facts that no one cares about. so, I'm shutting up. I have a Bible study in about 15 minutes, and should probably get ready now.

I have been feeling anything but well lately. It doesn't matter. Everything's wrong. Maybe it's just the second year in college syndrome? Whatever. I haven't been feeling up for advice, either. I think between Emily, and everyone else, I feel like a loser, and my advice is worthless. So, I have kind of avoided it a lot lately.

Among other things, Skip's Bible studies are over. He goes back to Liberty Wednesday. Last night, we talked before and after the Bible study. We all went to dinner (I didn't really eat, though), and we talked a little then, too. He said I can email him with questions anytime, though. I told him that, through all this pursuing some kind of understanding of Calivinism, I have become less open-minded.

When I started this, I wanted to simply understand the doctrine. I didn't want to make anything of it. Now, I have begun to not want to understand it, but argue it. That is not what I came into this wanting to do at all. If I'm going to argue Calvinism, I don't want to talk about it. When I can go back to being open-minded about it, I will resume. I have become bitter and testy toward this subject. Because I don't agree? Because I don't want to agree, but kind of do? I'm not sure. But I don't want to be bitter. That's not who I am.

I'll tell you why I feel this way. I feel if God predestines who goes to Heaven and who doesn't, He's taking glory, honor, and praise from Himself. If a person chooses, or wants, to accept God's love and follow Him, it would give more glory, honor, and praise to His name. In my opinion, through election, He is not being glorified, honored, and praised, willingly, but- in a way- forcefully.. God is a jealous and selfish God. If this is so (I hope so, the Bible says He is), election contradicts this in the Bible.

Actually, I have found that I agree with a lot of what I've heard. Just not election. Election is where I get testy. If this is how I'm going to be about it, I don't want to know until I can not be like this. What is the point of getting pissy toward someone who is simply explaining something to me?

I am glad I'm not a Calvinist, though. If I was, I think I would kind of blame God for how I feel right now. Because, if God pulls Himself from people in order for us to think, act, and feel the way we do- for His ultimate goal, then my feelling like this is because He's pulling back. It goes back to my insecurity, 100%. From this perspective, if God pulls Himself away from me- for whatever reason He may have in doing so- He's pulling away from me. Think about it for a moment. God... God is pulling away from me. Imagine what kind of emotional distress that would do to a person.

Being a non-Calvinist, I do not believe God withdraws Himself so that we may think, feel, and act the way we do. So, from this perspective, it's my fault, and I cannot have any reason to blame God. I'm not saying I ever did. I'm just saying that thought could very well be there. Here, I am pulling away from God- which leads to my fear of trust, security, comfort, and familiarity. For someone with these issues, which would you rather believe? God is 'running away' from you, or you're 'running away' from God? Eh, I'd like to think I'm running away from God. But that's just me.

This food thing is killing me. I have absolutely no desire to eat anything. However, when I don't eat anything: I think about Emily- because I told her I'd fix this; Becky- because she's going through it too, she just won't come out and say it; Erin- because she was there when I first started, 7/8 years ago; Harmony- because we had a mutual agreement, but didn't shake on it; Mom and dad- because I constantly have to hide myself, sneak around, and make sure I've left no clues behind; and God- because, like EB said, "You're saying, 'God, I give you everything... but not this.'"

But, at the same time, again, I have no desire to eat a damn thing. Yesterday, I ate nothing. At 11P, with Skip and them, I ordered a milkshake and onion rings. And didn't even halfway finish either one. Today, I ate 4 salt and vinegar chips. That was it. Not even the whole fun-sized bag. What a waste of money... I have no will to get better. There is nothing I have to fix this for.

I haven't felt this depressed in... umm, a couple months. The song Onion Girl (beautiful, sad song) has, very much, become who I am. I have cried every day for the past 2 weeks. I listen to music and cry. For anyone who doesn't know me, I am not one to cry. I believe I have no right, no place, to cry, when there are people who live under worser conditions, and are perfectly content. I do not cry for anything. Least of all, for myself. I have been known to cry for other people, yes. But I don't cry for myself. These past few weeks, I have cried for myself more than I have cried for everyone else. And I'm feeling pretty shitty for it.

But, boy, I sure can fake it! I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me (and we all know everyone feels sorry for everyone else all the time), so I don't make a big deal about it. My tears don't flow until I take my drive (to a church parking lot I used to go to). It's at night, so no one sees me, and I have my music to listen to, and I'm all alone. None of my friends have noticed anything's wrong. Let's just say, Emily hasn't even said anything about it- and she can tell when something's wrong before anyone else.

I'm sure it'll be okay. It always gets better. I hate being so optimistic. 'It's okay' 'it's all good' 'it'll get better' SHUT UP. When something's wrong, that is the absolute last thing someone wants to hear. But it will get better in time. Just not now. It's that instant gratification we, as humans, want so bad- but can't always get.

Heh, I'd say leave me alone, but if something comes up, and I'm needed, I'm not available. So, I don't ever say that. I guess, then, don't leave me alone...? Whatever.

I want to go to bed and never wake up.

I'm feeling a little better. I'm sick right now, so I'm only thinking about sleeping at the moment. I slept all day. I kid you not, I woke up at 8A, went out on the couch, turned on Boomerang, fell asleep (very uncomfortably), and woke up hours later... only to find it was just 10 minutes later, and the TV was off. Painfully, I sat there wondering if I had ever turned the TV on to begin with, and if someone had reset the clock to make me think it had only been 10 minutes- when it had really been hours. It's a conspiracy! Sometimes I wonder if being sick is a good thing. I mean, you feel like crap the whole time, but everything that had bothered you before... is mysteriously gone... if even for that moment. Oh, and I haven't eaten all day. I'm eating some pastry thing, but it's not that good, so I may not finish it.

Anyway, my ranting. It's okay. My boss tried to send me home today. I told her I'd work- just to keep someone with me in case I pass out. It's nothing the kids can catch, so why send me home? She felt sorry for me. I'm not sure why, though. Everyone gets sick, people. It's a part of life, believe it or not.

I have started a number of emails to Emily, but didn't finish any of them. Even though I'm feeling better, I still think I'm not helping her at all. I have seen a tremendous improvement from when we first met! But I still feel like I'm doing nothing. Some of the things she says when she's mad just stick with me. I love her to death! She's a great kid... person... friend... whatever you wanna call it. But it's become awkward talking with her, simply because I'm so hesistant to say anything. Emily and I have a friendship where we don't talk about certain things, but what we do talk about means something. Eh, I don't know.

I think my understanding is going away. I am afraid I'm growing up. Sometimes, I see my helping Emily as nothing more than a 19 year old helping a 13 year old- where I'm not supposed to get personal or involved in any way. It is this mindset that I am beginning to view everything. Logically. Heh, since when did I become such a logical person, that I blew off everyone's emotions and personal feelings? Like I said, I think I'm growing up. I'm turning into my mom... *gag* *gasp*

I don't feel like saying much more tonight. I am beginning to hate these journals. I always feel like someone is going to feel sorry for me because of something I write. It's a journal, for crying out loud. And I'm always afraid I'm writing in them too much. Wholly oh my goodness! If I didn't have an online journal, but rather, a physical journal that I wrote in, I would not write any less in them. I would have notebook after notebook after notebook... all ready to be burnt before my parents find them-- and use them against their 19 year old daughter... (damn parents)

I'm turning in for the night. I can't believe I stayed up so late. At 9P, I was ready for bed, and here it is, 11P, and I'm still up. Ugh. I had some problems with scholarships this semester, so I have to drag my lazy self out of bed tomorrow morning to fix it. I'm not mad, though. Shoot, if it doesn't work out, I'd wanna know what happened to all that scholarship money (of course- I didn't work my tail off for nothing!), but I'll just pay the money. It'll only set me back $... no comment.

I think I'm going to write this an go to bed. However, I know that as soon as I say it definitely, it won't happen. Go figure.

I think I have found part of why I'm anorexic. This isn't the whole thing, but part of it.

I was laying in bed the other night, feeling really depressed and crappy, and wanted something to eat. Not just something, but everything. I remembered how I used to eat everything I could get my hands on when I was angry, depressed, bored, etc. Granted, with my high metabolism, I never gained any weight, but that's not the point. So, to help overcome such a terrible habit, I did the complete opposite when I felt like that. I never ate anything.

So, now, when I'm angry, depressed, worried, stressed, etc, I don't eat. The other night, when I was laying in bed, I fought every part of me wanting to get up and eat. Not because I'm anorexic, but because it was freaking 2AM, and too late to get up and make something, for crying out loud.

If it's not one eating disorder, it's another. Don't you know it. Geez. Will I ever overcome the whole eating disorder circle of nonsense???

I made Dean's List for the second time my first year of college! Now, I know, Dean's List is nothing. SHUT UP. For a not so smart person like me, I'm doing pretty well on my own. If you knew me, you'd understand.

*Especially considering I go out... correction: went out... every night (not partying, just out- I haven't been sucked into the 'college is all about partying' mentality- I don't pay to party).*

I think we should celebrate! Who's with me?

...No one? Damn, you all are as stingy as the people who read my other journal.

Okay, every goal I write down doesn't happen, but I'm going to write this down anyway.

My goal for Fall 2005 is to either:

(1) make Dean's List again, with the stress of my volunteering as Key Club's second advisor, volunteering with youth (middle school girls) volleyball and softball, work, and our Young Adult Ministry

(2) make President's List, with none of the above mentioned stress (or at least not all of it).

I'm feeling a little down today, but that's okay. I am also feeling very good, too. How that works, is beyond me.

I helped a friend pack for school today. She's a little scared to leave home right out of high school. She called me, and asked if I would help her pack. I do believe, although we hardly ever talk (we never have really talked, actually), ours is my most cherished friendship, by far.

I have known her for 7 (?) years, but we didn't talk until 2 years ago. We were never friends until the end of my senior year in high school (2 years ago). And was our first time doing anything (outside Student Government) together.

In the short time we have been friends, I have looked after her, and she has looked after me. No matter what happened at any given time, we were always there for each other.

It has always been a very strong (but strange) friendship. We could go for hours and not say a word to each other, but yet, everything's okay. Like today, for example. We hardly said a word to each other. We just cleaned and packed. We didn't talk until lunch. When, at that time, she bought me lunch (knowing I would be rude if I didn't eat it, and I'm not like that), so I would eat something. I kind of briefly told her about my problem the other night, and no one said a word. Well, today, while we were eating, and on the way back to her house, that's all we talked about. In fact, all day, that's all we talked about.

I kid you not- even though I am not one to cry, I fought tears all day long. I never realized how much the friendship meant to me. It never donned on me how much we share (even though we never talk), and how much we're alike (even though we're never together), and how much we understand each other (without ever saying a word).

And I get to go back and do it all over again tomorrow morning. She's leaving Tuesday morning, so tomorrow's it. I think I will cry like I have never cried before.

I can't believe it took one day to bring such a friendship out into the open... and strengthen it all at the same time. It's a beautiful thing.

Damn, I'm gonna miss her. All the jokes. Me picking on her. Her picking on me (I hear it's easy and fun, haha). The late nights talking about her failing IB by one point, and me being anorexic. The early mornings freaking out over something we shouldn't be freaking over. Her (4- going on 5 year) boyfriend, and my (measly 3) crushes. How crappy and totally unrespectable Student Government was/is. Eh, I don't know. Even though we never talked, when we did, it always meant something.

I can't say I've ever been able to talk with someone so much, spend so much time with someone, know personal details about someone, (oh my goodness!) trust someone so much... and never get sick of them. Of all my 'true' friends, she's the only person I can do this with.

*holds back raging tears*

Ever been out with a friend?

Had nothing to say?

Except everything?

And didn't say it?

Yet, had fun?

But did nothing?

Still, it meant everything?

Yeah. I love those.

I'm going to miss those.

2. I will then tell you what song/movie reminds me of you. Or you remind me of.

3. I will pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in. Or maybe pudding if I'm feeling particularly adventurous

4. I will say something that only makes sense to you and me. Or at least I'll attempt to.

5. I will tell you my first memory of you. Or.... the earliest I can remember. Or just some super memorable moment.

6. I will tell you what plant or animal you remind me of. Because, after all, plants are alive, too. Just easier to catch.

7. I will then ask something I've always wondered about you.

8. Put this in your Mindsay.

I believe I have a really big crush. I'm avoiding it, and ignoring it as much as possible. But I really really like him...

See, I have a kind of fear of comfort and trust. If anyone will ever notice, I do not allow anyone close enough to me to get hurt, hurt me, or really know who I am.

So, I am avoiding this. He's a great guy! And an awesome friend! I'm not setting aside the friendship... just guarding myself from the crush part of it.

I want a real relationship. Not some half-hearted, month-long, wannabe, stupid, mistake relationship that was everything, but meant to be. I want that relationship that lasts a while. The kind that you put your whole heart into. The kind where it's simply a friendship- taken to the next level. However, all this requires a level of comfort and trust I am not sure I have to give.

I hope it's understandable. Crushes are fun! But when it becomes more, I get extremely scared.

I can't wait until the day God let's some poor guy know I'm ready for him to sweep me off my feet. Sounding a little childish and unreal? Probably. But when God says I'm ready, I'm ready- whether I agree with Him or not.

Ya know???

I wish I had something to say...

I've been in a good mood.

I've been in a bad mood.

I've cried- for hours and hours.

I've laughed- about everything.

I've hated.

I've loved.

I've wished.

I've wondered.

I've thought.

And it got me nowhere- haha! Just kidding.

I've guessed.

I've known.

I've given advice.

I've received advice.

I've doubted God.

I've doubted myself.

I've prayed.

I've made the best of the worst.

I've made it this far, dammit.

And I'm still going.

For the record, I am okay. At this moment, I am just fine.

...Should be doing homework for all of my classes, but okay.

But, I talked with my friend the other night. Ya know, that night I had my nervous breakdown? She asked me to consider professional help.

Note: I have a tendency to overwhelm myself... and I start to have this nervous breakdown, because nothing seems to be going just the way I'd like for them to go. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a very organized, structured, planned, person. Unfortunately, I was raised that way. If I plan something, and it deviates from that plan-- even the slightest-- I will try everything to get back on schedule.

At the same time, I am very open-minded and unbelievably patient... so, for people who only know that side of me, well, I tend to close up when I'm having my moment...

Anyway... some random facts about me, that might, someday, explain a lot- but means nothing now... Hehe

So, my friend mentioned this to me. She's mentioned it before. Because I am so 'okay' all the time, I refuse to admit possibly needing anything like that. Knowing I'm incredibly stubborn, one time, she asked me to think about anti-depressants.

Anti-depressants? Me? Nooooo...

I know I get stressed out sometimes. I do it to myself. I hardly think I have the right to blame anyone else. I also worry a lot. That's just me being me. Can't say much there, either.

Sometimes I wonder if I think I really need to get some help. Other times, I laugh at it (kinda like I am right now), because everyone has their moments.

I am not knocking these procedures at all. But, I mean, think about it. Did we have psychologists and anti-depressants so many years ago? No. They were called prostitutes and illegal drugs.

Do you know how many people are on anti-depressants? Do you know why? Because they can't manage their time. Because they can't make good grades in school (I've heard it!). Because their parents don't love them (I've heard it!). How lame is that?

The answer to everyone's problems today are anti-depressants, people telling you you're a loser in calm, reassuring terms while you're laying on a couch staring at the ceiling wondering when the person's going to ever give you a real, complete answer, and why you ever thought it was a good idea to throw away so much money for this in the first place... and sex.

I'd venture to say you all are a bunch of mindless dummies, waiting for some kind of answer to the meaning of life and purpose of your existance... only, you're not searching for some kind of explanation or at least something to give you some kind of hope for a future-- you're waiting for it to just magically show up on your doorstep. Only, when it finally shows up, and rings your doorbell, you shoo it away, because it didn't call ahead of time and make sure it was a good time to drop by before coming over unannounced. You can't seem to think for yourselves. You've gotta have some stranger or drug spell it out for you-- and you still don't get it!

I'd say that was pretty funny, but probably true, to a very fine degree. Right?

I don't think I need pills or 'funny doctors'. I think I need some time to regather myself, and RELAX. Today's world is a world of instant gratification--at all costs. If it costs thousands of dollars to make you think you feel better in one month, when, for free, you could do it in 2... and, get this- it'll actually work! Not just tie you over until your next appointment... people are all for it.

HAHA. I don't have the time, money, or patience for professional help or anti-depressants. I believe everything I just said, yes. However, I said it all jokingly. I'm not some heartless college student who thinks you're all a bunch of morons here to amuse me every day.

It's all good! Really.

I am finished venting. It was fun. I promise not to do this to you all the time.

Category 5 Katrina is headed for New Orleans. Category 5 is the highest, and Katrina is pushing it. It was mentioned, today, that more categories might need to be added. With winds of 165+, Katrina is making herself known throughout Florida and the southern states sitting on the gulf.

When Katrina hit Florida, she was just Tropical Depression Katrina. As soon as she made it to the warm Gulf, she grew in size and power. It is reported that she is, now, twice the size of Texas, and is showing no means of slowing down or reducing in size.

It has been advised that everyone in New Orleans evacuate immediately. It was estimated a [safe] 36 hour time period to stay in New Orleans, before Katrina hits. Residents have been warned that if they stay, chances are extremely high they will not survive.

Highways headed East are closed off, and west-bound highways are lined with bumper-to-bumper traffic.

I don't now what to say, personally, about this. I'll pray for everyone effected by the hurricane.

Be careful.

I hope everyone's okay...

I don't drink. I'm too young.

If I was old enough, and actually started drinking (gee, I hope not), I would completely drown my anger, sorrows, pain, fears... make everything seem as okay as possible.

But, for now, all I have is food.

I used to eat to make myself feel better. I never gained any weight, but I would eat and eat and eat. Then I took science classes, and learned what food can do/does to my body. Now, I am an unproclaimed health nut. I don't always eat healthy foods, but I am very much aware of the foods I eat. And I secretly flip out about every little thing that goes in my body.

Now, in an attempt to accomplish the same goal, I don't eat. The control of being able to control emotions through something as simple as food. That's it. That's all there is to it.

Tonight, when I got pissed at a few people for different reasons, I went straight to the chocolate. I just caved in.

I don't ever want to turn 21...

How depressing to know that, no matter how hard you try, you can never be perfect. It's almost heart-wrenching to think of all the effort put behind being the best person you can possibly be... and failing soooo miserably.

(with my last post)

HeeHee. I did it to myself...

Seriously, though, I can't live any other way. I am so unbelieveably stir-crazy!!!

Mixed emotions...

I don't know what to think or how to feel.

So scared, but so comforted.

............

Please, no light.

Get that food out of my face!

Leave the bathroom light on.

I need a thicker blanket.

My legs are numb.

My arms are frozen (no blood movment).

I choose the couch over the bed.

Roll 5 feet 11 inches in a tight ball, and hold for an hour.

Stand up slowly.

Don't stay in any one position for too long.

DON'T PASS OUT!

Mmmmmm, German Chocolate Cake........

For anyone who has my other journal...

Please note:

This journal is more for deeper, more well-developed thoughts. Ya know, the good stuff.

My other journal is for more not so personal stuff. However, it's too detailed to put in here.

Kinda backward, huh? Not really. These thoughts that you're reading are so random, and could mean anything. I don't have to tell you what I think or feel if I don't want to. Just enough to make my point, and let out a sigh of relief.

So, if you feel like you're not getting anything out of my life from this corny little 'blog', that's because there's sooooo much you're missing.

Update:

Many entries ago, I gave my journal site. It has changed. So, unless I have emailed you with the change, you're not gonna get it. Sorry. You can, though, go to that page, and give me your email address. I will not post the site anywhere. Not even in the old one.

My attempt to escape failed.

All I can do is keep trying.

And breathe.

Just relax.

AARRGGHH!!

Anyone up for a day out?

I need a day with friends...

Me: are you okay?
John: yes yes... im alright
Me: good
Me: because you know I can't hang out with a depressed John
Me: that just wouldn't be any fun
John: no, no fun at all
Me: well, do you have any classes tomorrow?
John: just a couple
John: calculus at 730 physics, and a 3 hour physics lab
Me: WOW
Me: 7:30am?
John: yeah, i should be working diligently right now... do you see my dilema
Me: I do
John: but alas, im not in the mood to deal with it
Me: I know that feeling
Me: but if you keep waiting, it's not going to get done
John: your exactly right
John: hehe
Me: hehe
Me: but I'm not going to talk you into it
Me: because I'd rather talk to you
John: im glad to hear it... because if you were to make me go out there and do my homework, i would do no such thing, i would go directly to sleep "on accident"... i was quite the slacker in high school... rarely did any of my work, when i get in this mood, it all comes back
Me: I see...
Me: then I won't even waste my breath

I'm a little angry at the moment.

Okay, very angry.

Well, maybe 'angry' is a HUGE understatement.

Anyway, my veins are popping out of my neck and arms.

I have a hell of a headache.

And my eyes feel like they're bulging out of their sockets.

I am sweating bullets.

And can't see straight.

My breathing is very, very deep and slowing.

I have lost my appetite.

Again.

And can't talk about it right now.

In a few hours, I'll be okay enough to rant about it.

By tomorrow, I'll be okay enough to bitch about it.

By the weekend, I'll be back to my old rational, understanding, kind self.

But not now.

I am too young for high blood pressure.

My mom has high blood pressure. And I think I have it too. It's not just high blood pressure. It's the really bad, scary kind. Where if not taken care of, you'll die. My mom is on serious medication for it. I'm not. But will have to be.

Thank goodness it is soooo near impossible to piss me off.

They're not mine, though. I wish they were. They're Tasha's (she's so sweet, and really goofy). I am going to email her and find out when the CD will reach Florida from Ohio/Kentucky. I want it soo bad!

I got 2 of their last CD (back when they were still Dividing the Plunder), but never gave the other CD to Emily. She wouldn't like it. But it's okay! I've got 2 copies!

Don't get me wrong, I listen to rap and R&B (and rock, and pop, and classical, and jazz, and Latino, and orchestral, and country, and Christian, etc) too, but this couple's music is just beautiful.

www.ellerymusic.com

My favorite:

Anna
Tasha Golden, © 2005 Set Adrift Music

She was falling asleep with the light on, waiting
With her back to the door and the whole world, fading
He was never no good if he’d leave her, that way
But it’s funny how that’s never made this, okay

CHORUS:
Anna, hang on
There is more where all this came from
(repeat)

Well the news made her more than a name but, barely
To the small town of Troy and the Carman, family
Who were told it would be like it all was, back then
That the world could pretend like it never, happened

CHORUS

In your short life, you’ve lived a thousand times
You stood so brave, they robbed you blind
The truth is, there’ll be harder times
It’s okay to say you’re fine
But I’ll be waiting back behind (and)
you can make your troubles mine...

CHORUS

Have you ever had a fear...
... a habit...
... a way of life- a way that is so different, so awkward, so foreign to many people- that has slowly, but absolutely consumed you?
Little by little, this fear, habit, way of life has worked itself into every kink in your life. When you are at your worst, it is at its best. When you have screwed up everything, it pops out and yells "SURPRISE! I'm still here." Every secret you've hidden is revealed, every pain you feel is intensified. And there's no escaping it-- no fighting back.
Only, you have to. This isn't who you are... were. This is making you someone you're not supposed to be. Someone you don't want to be.
But this... way of life... is you now. You've waited too long to make amends. And you're closest friends are cheering you on. But you don't have the heart, the drive, the will to want to be better anymore. This is who you are. Anything different is nothing.

Mine is anorexia.

It is awesome how everything can suck one minute, and be okay almost immediately.

My friend who moved away is in town for the weekend, and we were talking online. At the same time, I was talking to John. It was interesting, to say the least. And this girl is the Queen Dork, herself, so of course, we were having fun all night.

I didn't get any of my homework done, papers written, Literature read, or tests studied for. But, you know what? It's all good. I needed a moment... and got that moment. And I don't think I could have had that moment with any greater person in the world! Then, to throw John in on top of that... Oh man, I'm in such a good mood right now.

In my dorkiness, I am leaving you and finishing my conversation with John. Heehee. It's past midnight, and I have to be up at 6A to be at the high school by 7. Good night.

I am a little upset right now.

I want to have a drink and throw it up.

I'm not going to.

(1) Because I'm too young for alcoholic beverages.

(2) Because I'm trying to get over this disorder, not make it worse.

But I want to.

(Note: I don't particularly care for alcoholic beverages- if it eases your mind at all.)

I am never going to get better.

Only worse.

I don't want to get better.

I don't care to get better.

As it's going, I'm not going to get better.

This is way beyond chocolate. None of you know me, but chocolate fixes EVERYTHING.

...Not this time...

I still feel like crying. I'm not angry for the same reasons I was a few hours ago. I came home, cried, talked to my mom, and cried some more. Surprised that I wasn't at my Bible Study for very long, she knew something was wrong, so she came home. I mean, sheesh, if something's bad enough for me to walk away, something's wrong. Being my mom, she knows this.

When she got home, we sat and talked. I never thought I'd feel so... okay... talking to my mom on such a personal level- like friends. It was nice.

But I'm kind of okay. I can't say I'm completely alright, but I'm not as upset at I was. Let's just say it's okay to talk to me now...

We have come to the conclusion that I don't care about what happens with John, not because I don't care, but because I know the reality of it- if God doesn't want it, neither does he (I told you he was a good one); and I am too afraid to want anything more than we've already got. Now, what have I been saying this whole time? Haha. It's alright.

I really like him, though.

I love school! I have had the worst weekend ever! Tonight, after everything had pretty much died down, and I was left alone, to some music, I started studying. I had an away message up letting people know I was studying and doing homework, and didn't want to talk to anyone. It's not that I didn't want to talk to anyone, I just didn't want to have to think about anything I was forgetting. Does that make sense?

I have so much to do for school... Well, maybe it's not so much, but I have never had this much-- even in AP classes in high school... And it's great to have so much to focus on at once. Every once in a while, my mind will wander back to something not school related, and I'll freak out, and my blood pressure will rise.

I don't know what I'd do without school. All the stress of school makes up for, and masks the stress of everything life dishes out. I am almost grateful for school. But, heh, let's not get too carried away, here.

As long as I have something to focus on-- to pre-occupy my time, I'm fine. As soon as I'm left to my own thoughts, I'm entranced, and sucked into a world of depression, confusion, and hopelessness.

*Sigh*

I don't want love. Why put myself in a position to get hurt?
I try not love. I don't want to be so vulnerable.
I am afraid of love. It means allowing someone to know me.

But, you know what?
No matter how hard I try...
I love anyway.

Took a personality quiz:

"You are a shy, brainy, true, and an extremely nice person. You may be a little, well, quiet, when people talk to you, but when you get to know people, you really open up. You wish you could just go uo to people and make friends, but with you it's not that easy. You're problem is, nobody ever really paid attention to you, you never really had a true friend. But that is about to change. Open up a little bit more. Tell people about YOURSELF instead of listening to them talk about you. Because you're worth it, even if you don't think you are. People love you, because of your rise-to-the-top attitude, once you show them it. And believe me, as you learn more each and every day and grow more, you'll find that that shy personality personality has disspeared, and that the strength inside you has finally risen to the very, very top!"

Oh my goodness! I thought my week was pretty much over. A couple tests and papers due tomorrow- no big deal...

I have 2 tests tomorrow, and a test Monday and Tuesday.
I have 2 papers due tomorrow, and 2 due by next Tuesday.
I have to read The Odyssey by Tuesday (I hate The Iliad and The Odyssey!!!!!), and a test on it that day.
I still have my research paper to write- time is closing in quickly!
I have my Religion paper to write,  and my Spanish paper to write, as well.
But I've got a good 3 weeks for those 3 papers-- THANK GOODNESS!

My week is far from over, and will likely spill into next week. This weekend will be rough, to say the least.
If I am not online, it's because I'm busy- not because I don't want to talk to anyone.
If I'm online, and I don't talk to you, I'm really trying to get everything finished!

I apologize ahead of time.

And I'm only wasting my time right now.

I am finally finished studying! I gave it up a little while ago. I figure, I have a really bad habit of over-studying, so I better stop before I hit that point.
I am, actually, going to try to get some sleep. I seriously need to make up for my 2 weeks of sleep deprivation. I have to be up at 6A... And I'm not looking forward to it at all.
But I'm finally finished! I have tests tomorrow and Tuesday- maybe one or two Thursday... But it's all good! My stress level significantly lowered at around 6 tonight.

Did I ever mention I hate racism and racists? Well, I do. I hate it/them with a passion. My parents are very mildly racist, and my grandpa is not extremely, but more so racist. I grew up in multi-racial schools, and could care less what you have to say about it. I wouldn't have it any other way. It's called LIFE. We're in AMERICA- the melting pot. Racism means nothing here. All you'll do is piss me off with it. Period.

I'm not in a bad mood- I just heard something (about New Orleans and the hurricane mess) on TV in the background, and felt like saying something about it. That's all.

Good night!

SLEEP

TESTS TOMORROW!!!
What was I thinking when I stopped studying?!
I think I either over-studied or under-studied for my science test today. There were about 8 I didn't know at all, or just weren't sure of.
When I turned it in, my professor looked at me and whispered, "Now, I know you did well." I told him I think I over-studied, and he laughed at me. What can I say? It's a habit of mine.
I got my Spanish test back, and got an 84 on it. I was a little upset. They were stupid, simple little mistakes...

Ugh.

"I'm glad you made it! Karyn said she had talked to you earlier today, and said you couldn't make it tonight."

"Oh, really?"

I am sick and tired of hearing about how New Orleans 'deserved' what Katrina did to them, because they were a sinful town, full of sinful people. I hear it around campus, in journals, in blogs, newspapers, in the news... in the church... from the president and his wife...
This is stupid! No one deserved what happened there! That's nothing but a bunch of CRAP!
Okay, you college kids... where are you going to go for Mardi Gras next year? You're funna have to find some other place to party now. Because you seem to be doing oh, so much to help victims there and get them back on their feet. Way to go!
I can't say much about journals and blogs... Those are journals, and people's opinions are their own. However, in my journal, I will say I disagree.
The newspapers are another story, on their own. Their job is to give the facts. If I wanted personal opinions, I'd ask Bush. Because he's all opinion and no facts. (That's what the others are for.) How professional!
These news shows are ridiculously mean about this! I could say, when the hurricane hit Miami, they deserved it. Right? I mean, what support do I have to back myself up? And what support does anyone have to argue me? Way to be professional, there, smart ones!
Hearing this garbage in church kills me! Wanna get all religious about it, bozos? Did not God promise that he would never flood the world again because of man's sinful nature? Hmmm, something to think about... hypocrites.
Oh, and then there's Mr and Mrs Bush standing in front of cameras and recorders-- in Mississippi, not even in New Orleans- to their faces (cowards)-- making these statements. Gee, think Mississippi and Louisianna will ever vote for any Bush ever again? I think NOT! I do believe the Bush family has lost votes from every state who has ever been hit by a hurricane. I'd love to say our president is willing to do everything possible for all of our 50 states. But, hey, we're sinful! We're all going to hell. In this case... you're saying we only need a president to inform us of our sin? Because, I mean, obviously, he's going to wait at least a week before he takes any action. "Oh, God's trying to teach them a lesson. Let them suffer another WEEK or so." Way to go!

I've had enough. People didn't start pointing fingers until the president stepped in -a WEEK late! Now, people don't even seem to car anymore. You'd be surprised how many Florida residents are not doing anything, because 'it's not our problem- it's out of our state, out of our hands'. I have words about that, but, out of respect, I won't say anything (and because I'm sure I've already said enough to get me in some kind of trouble).
How about we take care of the situation before we start racially and 'sinfully' rejecting people?! Bodies are still being found in the waters. People are still dying  from starvation and dehydration. Parents still can't find their children. And people still don't have homes to go home to.

As I'm sure I've posted before, I don't sleep much. When I finally get to sleep, it's a kind of trance, more than a sleep. I sleep in 15-20 minute intervals, and wake up at anything and everything. However, I am completely out. Everything I dream is so far from reality, yet it is so real to me at the moment. I will not go so far as to say I have nightmares, but I definitely do not sleep well. I would rather not sleep- if I ever had a choice.
Last night, for example, was terrible. I'm still sick, and have been getting slightly worse every day for the past 4 days. I went out last night, and went straight to bed when I got home, because I was so weak. I turned the TV on, and set the timer for 20 minutes, and started flipping to the news from where it was. When I woke up, I found that I had stopped on the Spanish channel I never watch- which tells me I fell asleep in the middle of flipping through channels (how sad is that?).
The dream:
I was walking though a tiny village/town. It almost looked like the back-streets in some small Itallian town. It was so beautiful and so simple. I was awed at the buildings and statues. I think I was going around some poverty-striken area and offering some kind of services, or means of help to anyone willing to accept it. When I walked into one woman's home, this guy dressed in black (duhr, think he's the 'bad guy'? hehe) walked in behind me, shoved me out of the way, and went after the kids who were doing laundry, or something. Without a word, he shot the girl in the head, and left her to drain in the fresh laundry. As he turned to the little boy, the mom cried out, and one of the men with the guy grabbed her and threw her back against the corner of the brick-laid wall. Her head split open, and she bit her lip and tongue at the same time, leaving both her clothes and the wall stained and dripping with blood. I began to run over to the boy, and, still without a word, the man shot me in the chest. Somewhere, I had achieved a hand pistol, because I began shooting him (in defense of the boy and mother- the girl died instantly). The tall, dark man had some kind of machine gun, because I remember thinking to myself, 'what's the point in shooting him, when he's doing more damage to me than I'm doing to him?' So, as one of his men hit me across the face with a steaming pipe he had ripped out of a hole in the wall, and another had shot me- knocking me back into a brick wall, leaving me pretty beat up- the tall figure slowly walked toward me from the other end of the back alley. Weapon in hand, he kept his finger on the trigger, and shot me everywhere from my legs to my face- making sure if I survived, I would forever remember that day and regret trying to help a little boy and his mommy. It seemed to take him an eternity to get to me, but I continued to shoot at him the whole time. When I finally ran out of bullets (it was a dream, so I had more bullets than I would in reality), he threw his gun aside and pulled out a dagger- too long to be a simple fighting or carving knife, but too short to be any kind of sword. As he approached me, I kicked him back. In my struggle to stay alive, and completely mutilated, the managed to chain only one of my hands to the wall before getting caught in their 'boss's' uncontrolled crossfire. When he tried to stab me again, I kicked, but he dodged out of the way, and stabbed me in the leg, gave one long, slow twist, and jerked it out again. Without wasting any time, he came after me again. This time, he stabbed me in the stomach, leaving me almost crippled, chained to this wall, with nothing in my defense. After being ruthlessly stabbed about a dozen times, and on the verge of death, [somehow] I kicked the dagger from his hand, and kicked him in the jaw as he reached down for it. I dislocated his jaw (it looked like something from the movies), and as he stopped in shock, I reached over to one of the mutilated men's knives, and slung it at the man standing over me. It hit him between the eyes, and I took a moment to struggle free from the chain around my wrist. When I managed free, I picked up his dagger (leaving the knife in his head), and limped/crawled up to him, and stabbed him in the chest- just below the heart. When he moved, I twisted it slowly. We played this sick 'game' for about 20 minutes, and then I pulled it out. As he began to move, I thrust it into his throat, twisted it, and immediately ripped it out- letting him die painfully, as long as he could hold his breath. As all this was going on, the boy was helping his mom- cleaning her wounds, bandaging her, etc. When he was finished, he came outside to see how far this had gone. When he saw me sprawled out across the man, he rushed over. In some foreign language (one would think if I'm in another country helping people, I'd know the language right? Not in a dream- it makes too much sense), I swear he thanked me. But before he could finish, I died- right there, across the man, in the boy's arms.
And I woke up. Now, geez, I saved you the graphics. I will tell you I absolutely love horror movies, and I have never seen anything so graphic in the movies. I woke up in extreme pain all over, and couldn't possibly go back to sleep. I didn't want to see the hurt and fear in the boy's eyes again.
Goodness, it was just a dream! Get real! Have you ever had a dream that was so off the wall, but still so real?
I have dreams about people I love dying. I have dreams about my friend whom I haven't seen in YEARS, and all we do is hang out, but I never get to say goodbye (I never got that chance years ago) before I wake up, and I wake up in tears- because I've gotta deal with it all over again. I dream about all kinds of things no one could ever understand.

And this is why I don't sleep. I don't know if it's a (sub)conscious decision, or what, but I do not sleep much- if at all. I lay in bed most of the time, just staring at the ceiling, thinking about everything that needs done. My dreams have gotten more and more graphic and real over the years. I still would not consider dreams like these nightmares, though. I don't wake up scared at all. Maybe, as in life, I block emotions, and, in a way, don't care? Maybe I just know they're not real, so I can keep an open mind about them...

My favorite Disney movie ever. To me, it means more than just some silly child's bedtime story.
I've been thinking about some things... which isn't always such a great idea...
I honestly believe that, in my desperate attempt to escape reality and hurry up and stay young, but remain busy ('I'm a big kid now') at the same time- I have failed miserably.
I have simply neglected staying young at heart, realized and [sadly] accepted reality, and grew up anyway.
This, in turn, has made me very bitter...
Again.
Yes, I have been like this before. In middle school, actually. It carried well into high school. By 9th grade, I was getting better- slowly but surely. No one ever thought a complete turn around from me would happen. Graduation... I was complimented on keeping my wit and humor, but not being so cruel about it.

So, after having been through this- why is it that parents never seem to understand or care?
Because they've grown up.
Oh, they understand. They care.
It just doesn't show, because reality has kicked in and screamed,
"WHOA! Hold it! You're doing this for nothing. You're wasting your time. You mean nothing. It's all pointless. There's nothing you can do. You can't change it. Look at the facts and figures. Statistics show... This is life- grow up, move on."
My parents are like that. And I always swore I'd never be like that. I'd never not care like they do. I worked my tail off to be the complete opposite.
It's not that they don't care. That's not the case at all.

And, by golly, I'm sick of being such a bitch all the time! (excuse me)
I refuse to grow up anymore, if it means being cranky all the time. In this reality, miracles happen every day. No, you're not going to see it. Ever heard of the ripple effect? It's a beautiful concept. Though you're not always aware of them, miracles happen all the time. 

When you grow up, you miss these small, insignificant things, and stop appreciating life as it is- not what it's supposed to be. When you're a child, you're old enough to know it's just a backyard flower, but still young enough to be awed at it's beauty and poise.
This is what I want-- forever.

Is it possible, though?
Sure it is.

I have to steal this. I was shocked at some of what I've done... And proud of what I haven't done.
Momma taught me well! :P

{Ever…}

(x) Played Spin the Bottle?
( ) Egged someone's house
( ) Played Poker with money
( )Gone swimming in a white T-shirt
(x) Been tickled so hard you couldn't talk
(X) Like someone but never told them
(x) Went camping
(he's too young) Had a crush on your brother's friend...
(x) Walk in the rain without an umbrella
(x) Told a joke that nobody thought was funny
( ) Been in a talent show
( ) Started laughing at someone's bedtime
(x) Worn somthing your mom didn't appove of
( ) Been to a nude beach
(x) Drank jack daniels
(x well, not really) Cursed in a church
(x all the time) Burnt yourself with a curling iron/straightener
(x) Wanted to be a police officer
( ) Dumped someone
(x heck yes- eww) Been hit on by someone too old
( ) Wanted to be a model
( ) bought lottery tickets
( ) Made out in a car
(x don't tell anyone) Cried during a movie
(x) Wanted something you couldn't have
( ) Had sex on the beach
(x) Seen someone shoplift
(x) Hung up on someone
(x) Yelled at your pet
( )Bought a thong when the cashier was a guy
( )Tried to strip when drunk
( ) Gotten seasick
(x) Had a stalker
(x HAHAHAHA)Played a prank on somone that had them really scared
(x) Been embarassed by one of your family
( ) Felt bad about eating meat
(x but nothing bad- like crayons or markers) Protested
( ) Been to an island
( ) Been in love
(x) Ate just because you were bored
(x) Looked at something everybody thought was ugly and said "aww"
( ) Screamed in a library
(x he kissed me- I pulled away) Made out with a stranger
(x) Wished a part of you was different
( ) Asked a guy/girl to dance
(x) Been asked out by a really hot guy/girl
(x) Laughed so hard you cried
(x) Went up to a complete stranger and started talking
(x) Been sunburned
(for touching me, but not just being a perv) Kicked a guy in the nuts for being a pervert
(x) Threw up in school
(x) Recieved an anonymous love letter
(x) Had to wear something you hated
( ) Been to a luau
( ) Saw your ex and wanted to kick his/her ass
(x) Cursed in front of your parents
( ) Been in a commercial on tv
( )Watched a movie that made you miss your ex
( ) Been out of the country
(x) Been honked at by some guy/girl when you were walking down the sidewalk
( ) Won at pool
(x I am always the only sober one) Went to a party where you were the ony sober one
(x) Went on a diet
( ) Been lost out to sea
( ) Cheated on your bf/gf
( ) Been cheated on
( ) Tanned topless
( ) Been attacked by seagulls
(x) Been searched in an airport
(x) Been on a plane
(x by my sister at home) Been pants-ed
(x) Thrown a shoe at someone
(x)Broke someone's heart
(x) Sung in the shower
(x) Bought something way too expensive
(x) Done something really stupid that you still laugh about
(x) Been walked in on when you were dressing
( ) Ran out of a movie theatre because you were too scared of the movie
( ) Been kicked out of the mall
(x) Been mean to someone then instantly wanted to take it back
(x for all 3 of them) Been given a detention on the worst day that you could get one
( ) Done something stupid when you were drunk
(jumped off, but not fell off) Fell off your roof
( ) Pretended you were scared so you could cuddle up with someone
( ) Had a deer jump in front of your car
( ) Threatened someone with a water gun

{Can you...}

(x)Unwrap a starburst with your tounge
( ) Sing
(x)Open your eyes underwater
( )ice skate
( ) Sing in front of a crowd
(x) Whistle
(x) Be a meanie at times
( ) Do thirty pull ups
( ) Walk in really high heals
(x they're the best!) Eat super spicy foods
(x) Skateboard
(x) Sleep with the lights on
(x) Multi task
( ) Touch your nose with your tounge
(x) Fall asleep easily in the car
( ) Do the cotton eye joe
( ) Play ddr and not fall
( ) Surf
( ) Fit in your locker
( ) Do the splits
(x) Taste the difference between pepsi and coke

I'm alright.
I give up.
But I'm alright.

I am this close to crying.
Yeah, that close.

This year, so far, has been crap!
Friend's family members are dying.
I'm falling for my friend.
Oh, gee, I'm still anorexic--
and getting worse!
(Did I tell you? I'm about 126 now. I'm supposed to be at least 140.)
Classes, despite all my studying, are BAD.
(Which means I'm either over-studying, or I'm over-stressed.)
Emily has scars!!!!
Friendships are being questioned.
Friendships are being lost.
Family's pulling apart even more.

And I need a vacation before I lose my mind!
When I move away to college, I will have nothing to come back to.

I am, seriously, this close to crying.
Yeah, that close.

Wow. I am definitely feeling a lot better tonight!

In Spanish today, we had our last mid-term review...
I am sooo gonna fail this thing!
There's no hope for me now.
First class FAILED!

I have yet to write a Literature paper.
I have 4 due before our mid-term--
where I have to write a 5th paper.
I don't have time to stop and think long enough to do this.
My second class FAILED!

I haven't had time to do research for my Environmental Science paper.
It's worth more than our mid-term or final.
Third class FAILED!

Religion, so far, is going smoothly.
I'm so relieved about that.
It requires almost no thought
(which is kind of a disappointment, but very appreciated).
Fourth class PASSED!

Spanish Lab...
How in the world can someone fail a Foreign Language Lab?!?!
If you do, we need to sit down and have a talk.
Fifth class PASSED!

I will be utterly... umm, upset (watching language) if I don't make all A's and B's!
There's nothing wrong with these classes.
It's just that they're all put together.
And everything's due at the same time.

There are no strict deadlines!
'Your paper's due in a month- have it done.'
I can't do that!
I need very strict, short deadlines!
There is no way I can do something like that!
I work my best under pressure!
'Just have 4 papers posted by the mid-term.'
Umm, no?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

I need a tutor.
To help me?
Or keep my head on straight?
Can I have both?

This morning, in my Religion class, we had a fairly heated discussion about homosexuality. I guess (I don't know- I have to say I'm not a Bible expert) in Romans 1 and 2 Paul talks about how homosexuality is a sin, and shouldn't be tolerated because it's not accepted by God. Now, I don't know if this is entirely true- so I cannot accept it nor deny it (I will look it up when I have time). My professor, being a very strong Christian, sitting in a public college, in the 21st century, asked the class their personal opinions regarding this highly controversial topic.
One student said they didn't accept it, but didn't care. Another stood up and boldly proclaimed his hate for gay people- with no reason as to why, I will add. Another basically rambled on and on about nothing (she's a smart one, she is- haha). Some girl asked if it was religiously okay to accept other sins, but completely reject this one. One guy said she didn't mind it- but she doesn't believe that person should be put in a position of power- especially in a church setting- because it's not right by the Bible, and by God. After a few people spoke up, I had remembered a small conversation with someone (in fact, it was here, in Mindsay) about homosexuality- so I raised my hand, and said what I had to say.
The question: "Do you think, in your opinion, it is learned or genetic? How does your family feel about it? How do you feel about it? Why do you feel that way?"

Whether it is is genetic or not... Whether a person is born with it or not... I don't know. I don't want to know. I don't need to know. That person is no more than a person. It doesn't make the person any more dirty, or give the person any more cooties than the rest of us. My family are a bunch of racists in denial. They are also completely against homosexuality, because the Bible says it's wrong- and that makes heterosexual people somehow superior to homosexuals. How that is, I dunno- it's my family- do they ever make sense? Heck no. Anyway... I'm not going to treat someone of a different race, culture, ethnic background, or religion any differently. Why would I treat homosexuals the same way?
I do not care what arguments stem from this post. I am aware that homosexuality is considered a sin. But, riddle me this, Batman: If a person is homosexual- by choice or not, it doesn't matter- but they choose to follow our God... will God shun them because of their lifestyle? They have chosen to accept God's gift, yes? If God turns them away, isn't he discriminating against His own creation? If this is the case, couldn't one argue God is possibly racist? NO. If someone chooses to accept God's gift, that makes them as much a Christian as the rest of us who have accepted the same gift. God's not going to turn someone away for something so unaccpeptable by us [stupid] humans.
Now, this poses another question... Is there such thing as a 'good Christian' and a 'bad Christian'? I've heard people say homosexuals are 'bad Christians'. How is this 'goodness' determined? Who determine's this 'goodness'?

Okay, okay- forget Christianity for a second.
What makes this right, at all? Not by any religion... Not by family's heresay... Not by social norms... Forget all of that. What makes it okay to discriminate against someone-- for any reason?

I am not homosexual. I do not agree with homosexuality. I have to admit, I do not believe it is right because of the Bible's teachings. However! I do not care about one lifestyle or another. It does not have anything to do with me. I have no say in the matter. A person is a person is a person. Am I going to go diss the Amish people because they're so different from me, or anything I know? How childish, immature, and STUPID would that make me?

Now, in class, I definitely didn't take it to an extreme. I simply stated that that person is still a person. And I have chosen to accept or reject the person- not their lifestyle. I thought I got my point across without making a big deal. I guess not.
This girl turned around and asked me if I would treat a killer the same way I would treat anyone else. Well, I don't see how that really fits this, but I guess it works. That's a good question, actually. No, I wouldn't. I guess the answer to her question was also wrong, because the whole softball team (just so happens to be in the same class) decided to gang up on me.
Wait... Did I say something wrong, here? Oh my goodness, it was only 2 sentences! Your softball buddy, here, said the same thing! Whoa! I play softball too! Is that what it takes to get you to shut up?! How stupid...
Now, I could buck on these girls...
I hate softball players. I know, I know- I said I played softball. Stereotypically, softball girls are stuck up, loud, obnoxious... smart- academically..., extremely cliquey, and very stand-offish. When two or more are put together, they're a million times worse! I kid you not! Pay attention next time you're around them!
Anyway... Could I not discriminate against them, and treat them differently, simply because of a stereotype? I do not like softball players, but I don't treat them any differently than other people. What would that say about me?
Stupid? Maybe so. But isn't hating homosexuals just as dumb? Oh, but it's not, right? Why? Because you're thinking it? Because that's what your parents said?

I give up.
I don't care. A person is a person. I know what the Bible says. I know what society says. I know what my family says. I know what government says.
Then, I know what I think. How I feel. About God. About people. About society. About life. About the government (which, I advise, not to ever work for any part of the government- they're real smart one's too).
And I do not have anything against people living this lifestyle. It doesn't change them at all- just the way they live their lives.

So what? They're not like you. What are you going to do? Burn them in mass quantities because they're not blonde hair and blue eyed?

So stressed.
Gotta love them mid-terms.
Then, you have those special few professors who think it's cute to have multiple tests.
Ugh.
Can we say, 'FAILED!'?

I got my grade back in World Religions...
96.4%
I could have done better.
Next semester's a new semester.

Can you say estadounidense?
Well, I don't wanna hear it.
I can't.
I have to say it fluently for my Spanish exam tomorrow morning.
Can you see my enthusiasm?

Sleep is calling me.
I'm stressing.
But not so much.
I'm surprisingly okay.

Good night.

Argh!
Stress!

School:
Spanish mid-term, part 2- tomorrow.
My last 2 Literature papers due before Monday.
Monday- huge Science test (no mid-term, big test to replace it).
Monday- Spanish mid-term, part 3.
Tuesday- Literature mid-term #1 (3 page paper in 50 minutes).
Tuesday- Religion test (Christianity) (no mid-term).
Wednesday- Spanish mid-term, part 4.
Thursday- Literature mid-term #2 (same).
Friday- Spanish mid-term, part 5.

Work:
Saturday (next week)- Special Needs Appropriate Practices exam.
Monday (2 weeks from now)- School-Age Appropriate Practices class (4 weeks)
Online class- Guidance and Discipline
Tomorrow- No school for kids, work all day
(I have classes all day... do the math)
Next Friday- No school for kids, work all day
(same)
Following Friday- early out for kids
Following Friday- early out for kids

Personal:
Tomorrow- high school (not mine) football game to see Emily and her cousin.
Saturday- the usual Bible study.
Sunday- maybe church.

Geez. I want to take time to stop and see how people are doing- but I don't have the time. Now, when you don't even have time to stop and answer the phone, you know you're screwed.

"It seems like every time you get sick, it's because a lot is on your mind, and you're letting things get to you."
How true.
Blah.

Back to studying.

I guess I am going to a high school football game tonight. It's crap, though, because I graduated from that school's rival of over 30 years. All this for my kids... Geez.
However, yesterday, I told Emily I'd call her when I got out of my last class today (it took her forever to talk me into going in the first place). I did just that. She said she'd call me back, and I told her if she didn't, I wouldn't go, because I'm not about to waste my time looking for her and her cousin in my high school's rival's football 'stadium'.
She hasn't called back.
The game starts at 7:30P.
Now, I will not call her. This is up to her.
The lesson to be learned?
She's almost in high school now. She needs to know that, in the real world, when someone says "call me, or it won't happen" that means "call me or it won't happen."
It's an easy thing to learn. But I've got the upper hand. I never see her anymore. So, if she really wants, this, she'll do it.
Motivation.
If she doesn't call, enough 'motivation', and she'll finally get the point.

This is not me being mean at all. I would LOVE to see her and her cousin! It's been so long, and it's way past needed. However, this is one of those life lessons everyone screws up early in life. I hope to prevent this before it becomes a problem.
If that means giving up the very few times we actually get to see each other, I'll do just that. Why would I do this to be mean? I'm losing something from this, as well...

We'll see if she calls. I'm still getting ready as if I would be going. I'm just waiting for the call.
It's up to her how important this is to her.

It's raining.
I have loads of homework, studying, and papers to write.
I can't do any of it right now.
Because it's raining.

Rain is the only thing that will put me to sleep in an instant.
I can't study or anything.
Or I will fall asleep.

I do not need this.
I don't have time for this.

Just what I need.

Wow.
I'm pretty spent.
Too much homework.
Too many Literature papers to write.
Too many mid-terms.
Too much that doesn't matter.
But it all matters!
And time's running out!
I never had time to begin with.
Where did it all go?
Was it ever even there?

I can't do anything else.
If I do anything, it'll be worse than if I did nothing.
Ever had that happen to you?
Oh my goodness, it sucks.
Do not ever let this happen to you.
As it sits, I will fail everything I do tomorrow.
Because I have over-run myself.

I am completely useless.
I even took breaks this weekend!
I had one Friday night
(which ended up a disaster, kind of).
I had one Saturday night
(which ended up okay-
except I think I have found
I either do not belong in a church,
or just not with these people).
And again for the game today
(which I ended up sleeping through
when I kind of figured we'd lost-
by the middle of 2nd quarter!)

That game was disgusting.
How embarassing.
What a joke.
Griese sucks!!!
Lynch is missed.
Gruden sucks.
As well as our other players Gruden got rid of.
Ugh.
He looks like a momma's boy.
And coaches like one, too.

Anyway.
I'm mentally crapped out.
Completely.
I am so spent,
I couldn't tell you how to tie your shoes.
Even though you already know how.
Geez.

I need sleep.
I got sleep at all the wrong times this weekend.
And dreamed about all the wrong things.
Thursday night, I dreamed in Spanish.
Because my second part of Spanish mid-term was Friday.
(I think I failed)
Friday night, I had a dream about my friend.
And, woke up in tears.
(I need to take a trip to NC to see her.)
Saturday, during the storms, I dreamed about tests.
Saturday night, I had a dream about guys...
Keeping this sensibly rated, I'll give no details.
During the football game, I had a dream about... football.
Go figure.
And it made no sense.
Go figure.

Now, I'm rambling.
Becasue I have no brain cells left.
I think I waited too long for that break.
And now I'm screwed.
Yay.

Mid-terms tomorrow.
Papers due tomorrow.

I didn't do so hott in classes today.
I am pretty sure I failed my Environmental Science exam.
Not too happy about that.
Then I went to Spanish.
Two of the sections were put together.
Yipee.
Part 1: Reading.
It was alright.
Probably screwed up once or twice.
Part 2: Random.
Pick one of the two topics, answer the questions.
I didn't know half of what was being asked.
So I guessed.
I maybe did alright.
Maybe not.
We'll see.

I'm still brain-dead though.
World Religions test tomorrow.
World Literature, too.
3 pages in 50 minutes.
Not possible.
Not from me.

Can't wait.

I am sooo tired I can't see straight.
But I can't sleep for anything.
I could use that rain right about now...

I went with my mentor to see The Longest Yard when it came out.
My parents rented it.
They're watching it now.
I wasn't too impressed.
But it had its funny moments.

Ugh.
Time to study again.
Fun fun.

I feel like people are lying to me.
What have I done for you?
NOTHING.
What are you thanking me for?
I think you're all lying.

I wake up and feel worse than I did yesterday.
I get grumpy when kids take advantage of me being laid back.
I don't eat.
I don't sleep.
I don't talk.
I don't feel like I belong in a church anymore.
I'm too old for the kids.
And too young for the adults.
To non-Christians, I'm a goody-goody, to the T.
I can do no wrong.
To Christians, I just don't fit in.
I give Christians a bad name.
I either play too much.
Or I'm too serious.
I need to relax.
But I need to toughen up.

So...
Which is it, guys?

First Literature mid-term finished and out of the way.
I didn't quite hit 3 pages, though.
I only had 2 1/2.
I ran out of time.
Which is okay.
I didn't have anything else to say, anyway.
I ended up writing bigger than normal
and b.s.ing my way through most of it.
But I don't think I did so bad.

Got another one Thursday.
Not looking forward to that one either.

Took my second Christianity test today in Religion.
I didn't study for it, though.
I typed it up last Wednesday.
I never looked at it again.
This morning, I had about 7 minutes to study.
So I just read over it real quick.
How confusing.
It's amazing how much I dont know.
About my own religion, even!

I passed.
I didn't get anything wrong.
That's a first.
I hope I don't get in that habit.

I believe I'm finished with Spanish mid-terms.
I really really really hope so.
If not, I'll be caught by surprise tomorrow.
Oh well.

I have another Christianity test Thursday.
How hard can it be?
As soon as I get cocky about it, I'll fail it.
So I'll drop it now.

Tomorrow's free.
NOTHING.
I've got a paper due Monday.
And my research paper due next Friday, I believe.
My work exam is Friday.
Yipee.

I ate lunch today.
Been sick ever since.
Remind me why I don't eat again...
Oh, yeah...

Does anyone ever notice- once I hit 9P, I get very depressed?
But never before 9P.
(Now that I've mentioned it, you'll notice it)

Is there any way to fix this?

I got my Spanish mid-term final grade back today.
75.4%
Is that good?
It's passing.

With all the studying and crap I've been doing,
I'll take any passing grade.

Tonight's been better.
I don't know why.
I'm just thankful it's been better.

HaHa.
I've come to like Mindsay better than LiveJournal.
Livejournal has better features, in my opinion.
However, some of my good friends are with Mindsay.
I never thought I'd say that.
The intent of this journal was never to make friends.
It just kind of happened.
Hey, I'm okay with that.

...If I could just customize my journal...
:P

Alright, so we all know Halloween is rapidly approaching...
My dream for the holiday (not necessarily this year, but sometime soon) is to take a group of foster and/or orphan children out trick-or-treating.

DUHR-- after Halloween is Thanksgiving...
I'd love to cook a meal for a homeless shelter, orphanage, or assisted living home.

For Christmas...
I would like to take a thousand dollars, and buy a bunch of gifts for kids who, for whatever reason, will not receive gifts for the holidays.

But that's just a couple of my goals in life.
That's just me.

I want to make it known how far a little joke can go...

I, again, volunteered at the high school football game parking and concession. (I'm a second advisor, so I do whatever I can) My grandma is in Kiwannis, and came to help with parking. She took me out to dinner (BBQ!!!!!), and I came back for the club concession. When I got home, my parents saw my hands were full, and asked what the food was for. I told them grandma had taken me out for dinner, and I had stuff to bring home. We had talked about what grandma and I talked about (because we never really talk about anything except school, work, my future, and how miserably I'm doing... to be honest), and I told them we talked about my research paper, and how she was going to give me her brother's email and phone number, so I could ask him, since he was in the military and knows about [bodily] waste management. I told them she had mentioned how brilliant her brother was, and that I had asked if he had any common sense. Because, as I'm making fun of myself, as well as everyone else, if you're book-smart, you have absolutely NO common sense, and vice versa... generally... 9 times out of 10.
My parents took offense to this, and started making jokes out of it. It was funny. And they were making fun of themselves, trying to see where they fell in those 2 categories, and where other family members fell. When they had jokingly kicked me out of their room, because "not only did I insult them in their own house, I had insulted them in their own bedroom!" We laughed, and they joked about how I called them stupid, and I said, well, I'm making fun of myself, too.
"Where do I fall in all of this, right?"

(Did I mention my grandma is my step-dad's mother???)

My [step]dad answered, "Well, it's hard to say..."
And I jumped in, "...Because, I mean, I'm as dorky and ditzy as they come. I'm not exactly the brightest person..."
And my dad said, "I know... Those're those Todd genes! DeeDeeDee!"
(If you've seen Carlos Mencia on Comedy Central, you know where the DeeDeeDee comes from.)

Of course, my mom, although I was laughing about it, knew what he had just done, and he kind of knew, too. So, between the two of them, they were trying to make up for this by cutting on their families, as well. It didn't work, to say the least.

See, when you grow up going through visitation and crap... now, it could always be worse- but this is what I know and personally went through... and you've got a little brother who only knows and understands that his two big sisters have a different dad- that causes problems. My brother was always making comments like, "You're just a [last name], and I'm a [last name]. So I'm their real son, and you're not."
Then, you've got my step-dad's side of the family... His father and step-mom would never ask my sister and I over to stay the night, because we're not blood. They're not obligated to spend time and money with us, because it's not their job. It was only our brother- because he was blood. He was their grandson. Granted, his step-mom has warmed up to me a LOT, seeing as how every Bucs game, Thanksgiving, and Christmas, we come over, and I spend my nights helping her in the kitchen- learning new dishes, to, as she says, "impress the men." However, grandpa still never gives us hugs or anything.
(It is partly because of all this mess that my sister moved out of this family, and in with our father.)
My mom's side of the family HATES my father's side, and my father's side HATES my mom's side. My father's father (who left that family when I was five years old) is the only half-decent person over there- and I almost never see him. Oh my goodness, you should have seen everyone at my graduation! Talk about your chaos... My 5th grade teacher was there to watch me graduate, and soon understood why my father's side of the family was banned from visiting me at school. My mentor (for a scholarship, but I still keep in touch with her) was there, and she soon learned all kinds of things...
She learned what I meant when I always told people I use my hate for my family and what I went through to help me. She learned a lot of things that could never, in a million years, be explained. She learned why I am who I am- despite both sides of my family- and came to learn why I love middle school kids and that age so much, why I strive to see that no one feels toward their families what I felt toward mine. She learned why I love helping people. And why I am willing to do pretty much anything, socially, to get away from home.

The comment my dad made to me tonight was so... uncalled for. Well, I can't really say that, though. Because, it was said as a joke. It was meant as a joke. But it wasn't taken as a joke. I know that he said it jokingly, mind you. However, I also know that he meant it. And, in the case of my father, jokes cannot be made like that. Because I have a tendency to take them seriously.

So, I have to say, if you make a joke, (1) be careful what you say- because you never know, and (2) if you say something seemingly harmless, and that long awkward silence is there almost immediately, try to understand what conclusion may have been drawn from the joke...

I will never get married.
Which means I will never have kids.
Granted, I'm not pushing that.
(My kids at work are enough for me)
But I still love kids.

To get married, one must date.
I don't see that happening.

What guy- 
in today's world-
will take the time to allow me to open up?
It would take a fairly long friendship until any attraction occurs.
Then, it would take years of dating before I ever truly opened up and trusted the guy.
Every girl knows guys are very impatient.
They're not gonna wait that long.

Name one...

...Exactly.

I'm good as a friend.
I have more girl friends than guy friends.
However, I get along better with guys.

As long as they're gentlemen.
I don't hang out with assholes.
I usually end up seriously hurting guys like that.
I mean, physically hurting them.
In the end, their ego is only about the size of their brain.

Haha!
Go me!

On one hand, I know I can be 'dating material'.
On the other hand, it depends on the guy.

I don't want to be single forever, though.
Where's Mr Right?

I was supposed to write a paper for my Environmental Science class... It was due today... I didn't do it. At all. When I asked my professor how much it would be off my grade, so I know how much I needed to make up on my next test, he told me to just turn it in tomorrow morning. At first, I thought this was one of those bad days that always ends up good. However, as I'm trying to get this paper finished (it's not that hard- 1 page, double spaced... can't get much easier than that), I can't understand what this darn website is saying! How can I analyze something I don't understand?! I'd rather take the points off, almost...

Never wait until the last minute to do something.
Even if you've got mid-terms, papers due, projects due, etc. Don't wait until the last minute. It sucks!

Now I have no one to get help from, and either my paper will blow big time, or I will take the points off because 'I forgot to drop it by'.
Ugh. My parents aren't helping much, either. Yay for parents, right?

It is official:
I will fail this semester.
So much for Dean's List or President's List.
(Like I said before, if I wrote my goals down, they will not happen. I wrote in here that I wanted Dean's List or President's List... I will not get it.)
*sniffle*

10 Favorites
Color: Blue
Food: BBQ
Band: Too many
Movie: Pay it Forward
Sport: Volleyball
Season: Winter
Day of the Week: Saturday
Ice Cream: Mint Chocolate Chip
Time of Day: Evening

9 Currents
Mood: Inwardly hyper...
Taste: Nothing
Clothes: Running shorts, Special Olympics Volunteer t-shirt, tennis shoes- all gray and blue
Sonic: Nothing
Toenail color: Haha! Pearl-pink.
Time: 11:18P
Surrounding: Darkness
Thoughts: Ugh, you couldn't keep up with them all, even if I wrote them down

8 Firsts
Best Friend: Tahsa Rose- we were born months apart, and lived houses away
Kiss: Summer of 9th grade... He kissed me, I didn't kiss him
First Screen Name: My current one
Pet: A calico cat, named Jake- died months after my 16th birthday
Piercing: Ears, when I was 2 or 3
Crush: Last year, to a good friend of mine
Music: Metallica (Enter Sandman)/Pink Floyd from my father- very young age, before and up to 5; Blues Traveler/Dave Matthews from my dad- 5+; Cheryl Crow/Alanis Morissette from mom- whole life.
Car: From parents...

7 Lasts
Cigarette: Never
Drink: Water at work
Car Ride: Home from work
Kiss: Summer of 9th grade
Said 'I Love You': Wow... I don't know
Phone Call: Ashley! Friday night at the football game! I hung up when she answered!
CD Played: A mix I burned

6 Have You Ever...
Dated one of your best guy friends? No, but would love to!
Broken the law? Underage drinking... Yes.
Gone sky diving? Nope
Gone skinny dipping? No, but will one day- not soon, though
Been on TV? Yes
Kissed someone you didn't know? He kissed me...

5 Things
1 thing you're wearing: A bracelet my kids made me last week
1 thing you've done today: Stress
1 thing you can hear right now: The air conditioner
1 thing you can't live without: Stress
1 thing you do when bored: Eat and/or stress

4 Places You've Been in the Past 24 Hours
1. School
2. Home
3. School
4. Work

3 Choices
Black or white: White
Hot or cold: Hmmm- cold (depends)
Gentle or rough: Rough (depends on what you're talking about)

2 People You Love
1. What kind of love? It very much depends.
2. Friend love, family love, or romantic love?

1 Thing You Want to Do
Help someone

"Human Waste Disposal"

*Cover Page
(Body)
Introduction
Army
>Infections/Diseases
>Regulations
Navy
>Swimming/Beach
>Disposal- in detail :P (Regulations?)
Third-World Countries
>Disposal- in detail :P (Are there any regulations?)
>Crops/Food
Local
>Regulations
>Local Dumps
Trains
>Traditional vs New
>Regulations
Conclusion
*Resource Page

That'll cover 7 pages of poop, won't it? I think I can manage 7 pages of poop by Monday at noon- given this is all I've done so far... And I've known since, um, forever.
:P
Oops. There's that wating until the last minute again.

I didn't eat much of anything today. I've been thinking about my friend all day.
When I got to work, I had some chocolate pudding, and other goodies I had bought for the kids last Friday- but had way too much left over. Before I left work, 3.5 hours later, I had more.
That's all I've eaten today. I've had nothing to drink- not even my usual water.
Now, I feel like I've eaten something I shouldn't have eaten... One would think I'm freaking out and am afraid I'll get fat- yeah right. Anyway, now I really want a salad or vegetable platter (love 'em!) to make up for myself.
But, oddly, it's not because I think I'll get fat. I'm just that health-conscious to begin with.

Ugh.

I watched a girl beat the shit out of a little kid today. I had broken up a fight between two boys, and was sitting with one, and talking with him- getting him to calm down a little, when I looked up and saw... this. I had caught her in the middle of it- so there was more before what I saw.
I looked up, and saw a fourth grade girl standing over a second grade boys' limp body, kicking him in the face. I have never seen anything like it before!

There was but a blank expression on her face. No smile. No frown. No twinkle in her eyes. No anger. No hate. No pleasure. No remorse. She just did it.

The kid hit the soft sand with a solid thump. His face smacked the fence pole, and he stayed there and took her beatings. Eating sand and dirt, he kept his face as covered as possible. The whole time, she continued to kick the living snot out of his face. She deliberately aimed for his face- his stomach was too easy a target.

All within less than a minute (literally), I got up, pushed through kids, and ran to the scene to help this tiny, helpless kid. By that time, another teacher had seen more of it than I did, and rushed to pull her off of him. I helped the kid up, and brushed the sand from his face so I could see the marks and expected blood.
There was no blood- only a mark on his cheek bone. He was lucky.
When asked about it, she had no reason to go after him. She just did it. He didn't do anything to her. She just did it.
With no emotion.
No remorse.

She didn't get in trouble. She sat out for the rest of the afternoon, and her dad was sopken to about it. He did more than my boss did. Talk about favorites.
When I spoke with her friends, they all stood up for her, telling me she really doesn't like to be touched... She didn't take her medicine this morning... For some reason, sometimes, she does that...
Some friends.
So, this all makes it okay?
I know your momma taught you better!

What kills me, is that there was a teacher standing there watching the whole thing! I only saw less than a minute of it, but she stood there and watched the whole thing! She didn't budge until both me and the other teacher got there!
(I tell you, this woman and her .......-self is going to make me really angry.)

I could have stopped it. I should have been paying closer attention. The fight I was dealing with was over. I didn't have to talk to my kid. I could have been there sooner. I should have seen it sooner. That was the worst thing I have ever seen with my kids.

No emotion...
No remorse...

Tuesday, I was craving a salad.
It was too late to go get one.

Yesterday, I was craving a salad.
So I got one.

Today, I was craving Frutopia.
So I got it.

Now...
I feel sick.
But not because of something I ate.
Or even something I did.

I've got a paper due Monday
(if the hurricane doesn't hit).
I've got classes for work starting Monday
(if the hurricane doens't hit).
And if the hurricane hits, I'm stuck here.
Sick.

Niiice.

Our church group will be getting together with another local church tomorrow night, instead of having our weekly Bible study. The last time we did this (2-3 months ago), before I went, I heavily overdosed on every-day headache/pain pills.
That day, we had a science project to work on, I was sick, had a paper to work on... and they were playing volleyball. I couldn't pass up volleyball- I haven't played in forever!
So, my sick, stressed, depressed, drugged-up self played volleyball all night. I felt terrible. It took everything not to get sick.
Hmm, imagine that.

...Memories...

After talking with my parents, and trying to come up with a list of alternate words for 'poop', we came to... not much of anything...
However, in making jokes, we have come up with combinations of words that will make your stomach turn.

Oh, and I have decided to use the word 'poop' at least 2 times in the paper. Just for a laugh.

I mean, a paper like this needs to be made more interesting. And I certainly don't have a large vocabulary (because I didn't pay attention in AP Literature and Language in high school). Besides, who wants to read the same words over and over again? 7 pages of "human waste" and "feces" could get old and annoying by the second page, right? Imagine if you read a professional paper with the word "poop." You wouldn't be able to stop yourself from laughing, would you?
I may get points taken off for 'improper use of language', or something- but it'll be worth it, I think. If I'm bored writing the paper, I can almost guarantee it'd be boring to read.

Talking with John about family.
He's right.
I may have every right to be bitter.
But I still shouldn't live like that.

I still want to be bitter.

I do not want to be like them.
I will not be like them.
I don't want them in my life.
Especially if we can't be in the same room for 5 minutes without somone telling me I'm wrong aboutthis, that, and everything else.

I have told anyone who has asked- and I will make it public now:
When I leave, I will have nothing to come back to.

I wish things were different.
But they're not.
Period.

I'm not some prayer warrior.
I don't pray like normal people.
I will not ask for prayer for myself.
I will not pray for myself.

I hate my parents.
I hate my family.

I hate what they did to me.
I hate what they did to my sister.
I hate what they did to each other.
I hate what they've made me.
I hate what they've made my sister.

I should never feel like this.
It should never be like this.

But it is.
And it's too late to fix anything.
All the apologies in the world isn't going to change anything.
All the forgiveness in the world isn't going to change their thirst for power over me.

This is the first time I've had a conversation with John, and I've been bitter and angry.
I don't like this at all.
But I know he's just trying to help me.
And I feel bad, because, no matter what he says, I am so finished with my family.
I have turned my back on them.
I want no part of them.
I'm starting over.
Period.

I will say this.
But I won't say it to John.
And I know I'll hear about this from most of you.

But I hate too much to ask for help from God.
I find it very hypocritical to come home, want to leave for the night, never come back, and hate my parents the whole time- then ask that God help me find some place in my heart for them.
I think it's wrong to hate my father, listen to him swear at me, degrade me and my family, and as a Christian I'm not really allowed to say anything back- and then ask that I find peace with him.
I think it's not only difficult, but wrong, to spend what little time I have available with my grandparents and uncle, and listen to how I'm such a bad Christian, and how I make the family look bad, and I was the one who drove my sister off, and how I'll be a nobody, and how I'm wasting my time, and will get nowhere in life (the same thing my parents so kindly point out to me)- and then pray for health at least until I am able to get married, or graduate from college... Something that might make them proud.

I don't understand how I can pray when I go to church, and am told I am a bad Christian- by peers- because of the way I work with kids, because I swear, and because I don't have a true heart for God... all the time, because I don't get along with family, and because I have no problem with homosexuals.

SIDE NOTE:
I met a girls' (the girl in charge of our Young Adult Ministry at church) father Valentine's Day this year, and the first conversation we had was about Ellen. I was just listening to the conversation (because I was new), and Ellen was mentioned. This man said it, "It's a shame she turned against God, because she was really funny." So, me being me, I asked what he meant (like I didn't know, right). He said, "Well, the Bible says homosexuality is a sin. She was a good actress, but I don't care for her anymore. God shuns homosexuals."
Whoa, nelly!
So, I asked him if her being homosexual changed her talents as a comedian and actress. He didn't answer- but made some comment about how the Bible says it's wrong. Then, I asked how long he thinks she was a homosexual before she ever told the media. Again, he only reiterated what he'd already told me a dozen times. Then, I asked if, he liked her before he knew. Nothing. And why what he knows now changes his opinion of her acting and stand up abilities, as opposed to before. Nothing. Then, finally, before I thought it best to shut up, I asked him about the Bible: "I am no expert, and I definitely do not know the Bible very well- but doesn't it say 'Love the sinner, hate the sin'? Or something along those lines... So, in regards to that verse, again, I ask, why does this change her acting or stand up talents?"
Your Honor, I rest my case.

Back to my post
I'm finished. I am a Christian, yes. However, I do not like being preached to. I do not pray all the time. I swear. And I am very apprehensive- due to the level of hypocrisy I've encountered. My family is a load of crap. They are the elite of hypocrites, I tell you. Racism is okay- because the Bible says so. God shuns homosexuals- the Bible says so. Degrading women ('women belong at home, while men work, because women are good for nothing but cooking, cleaning, and looking after the kids') is okay- because the Bible says so.
WAIT!
The Bible never says racism is okay. The Bible says love the sinner, hate the sin. And the Bible says women should not be in a position of power in a church (which I want to bring up with a few pastors, myself). Again, one has to remember when the Bible was written. It also says not to eat pork. You eat pork, don't you? Of course. That was said because of the time period, because if pork isn't properly stored, and cooked, one could get very sick.

I am disgusted with hypocrisy. I am very careful about people I meet because of this. And I am very careful about religions and churches because of it, as well.

On another note:
John finally gave me his number. And I gave him mine- but could think of nothing, so I just told him to call me when he has time, and we'll do something. Lame, huh? But, oh well. He asked me to start praying 2 minutes a day, and when he talks to me, he wants to hear about how God has worked through that. Then, he said he was getting a headache (once I told him I was not ready for God, emotionally, right now, it kind of upset him- probably not my smartest move, I know- but I won't lie to him), and told me to call him anytime. He said he always answers it when he's got connection. I gave him my number, and told him I always have it on- just in case I'm needed by one of the kids or my friend, even in the middle of the night.

I'm glad I have his number- but a little hurt by the conversation. I get very stand-offish when talking about prayer and forgiveness. And I don't want to be like that with John.

Oh my, the updates I've got...

First things first:
We've got power back. I can't say we ever lost power, actually. We had 3 lines snap Monday morning, and ended up with a HUGE power surge. I can't say that I've ever witnessed a power surge... Well, I didn't. Because of the winds and rain, I slept through it all. Thank goodness! I guess our power went from 120 volts to 250 in a matter of minutes after the lines snapped. Dad went out and cut the power to the house completely, so we wouldn't lose our appliances. In the end, we lost 4 alarm clocks, 3 radios (I kept my receipt, so I think it's okay), my personal TV, the surround sound, the freezer, mom's coffee machine, the microwave, and I think maybe the water heater. I'm not sure, though. I hope I'm wrong! Haha. My DVD player made it, though. So I'm happy my parents didn't spend the money for not even a full year. That would suck!

Next!
I finished my paper. That was hell! I wrote it, and scanned in the graphs I needed for the paper, and when I tried to finish the paper later, I couldn't pull up the file. Not only that, but I couldn't do it at home, because we didn't have power. So I went to the school, and they didn't have Microsoft Word, so it wouldn't pull up. I ended up going to a friend's house, and he and his parents couldn't pull it up either. Geez.
Not only did all of that happen, but I couldn't find 7 pages of poop anywhere! Go ahead- go to the library, and see if you can find 7 pages of human waste diposal... NOT SEWAGE. It's not possible! I wrote a darn good 4-5 page paper! But it wasn't 7 pages. And I had a lot of websites, and not enough book sources.
Oh! And I used the word 'poop' once! I had to do it. It was so boring. Every other paragraph, I inserted my own personal opinion of the research introduced in the paragraph. In the paragraph on airplanes, I used the word 'poop'. Heh, and you all thought I was kidding...

Next!
I got to spend all Monday with my parents. With no power. Goodness! I hope that never happens ever again! By 10P, when the winds died down just enough to where driving was next to impossible (but not completely impossible), I was calling a friend of mine to go out, so I could get away from my parents! Ugh.

Next!
Today, some kid bit me. I mean, when stuff like this happens, I wonder why I love kids so much. He left a pretty good mark on my hand. It's amazing, though, because I didn't feel much when he was biting me. I don't even know what his problem was. I always have issues with him not listening, but today he literally went berserk! I have never heard a 6 year old make noises like that! Some wild, wounded beast wouldn't make as much noise! Then, he had this thing about "I don't listen to you. I only listen to my sister." Whatever. Kids, man... He started making out with the door, and I figured just let him go. I'm not the nicest person in the world, and I found it rather amusing to watch. He wasn't hurting anyone, and I had time to recover from being attacked my him. It got so bad that, after he had bitten me, I still had to keep him away from the other kids, and my boss came in to see why I wasn't watching the other kids, and saw the bite mark (no open wounds, though- I'm alright), and took him out of the room. He started biting her, and she hadto drag him into a secluded room. She couldn't leave him there by himself, so she statyed with him. I think everyone was scared for her. The thrashing heard from across the building was amazingly loud and thunderous! I swear, the kids were afraid to use the restroom, so I walked them (I guess they chose me as their 'escort' because I am the strongest, and the only one who can restrain these kids?) to another restroom. And other teachers were afraid the kid would break the door down and run after everyone.
I can't say I was scared when I was dealing with him. But not much scares me. He's a kid. I don't care how much energy and adrenaline he had, he's still a kid. And I'll be damned if he's gonna go after my other kids. I won't have that.

I'm dead-tired. Hopefully, I can get some sleep!

I have a moral issue I am asking for help with. I will accept advice from anyone right now.

I am meeting someone I don't really know, that I met online, for the first time tomorrow night. It's not a guy- don't have a cow. Remember that foster girl who stopped eating? And her mom screens her emails and prints them out for her? And we've been kind of emailing back and forth? Yeah, I'm meeting her at the high school football game tomorrow night.

But I heard something today that changes my perspective on this woman. The girl's foster sister told me, today at work, that the girl was put in foster care because her mom shaved her head, said she had lukemia, and asked for money for 'treatment'.
I vaguely remember this scam. So, I don't remember names or faces- for all I know, I've met this woman before.

But my problem is with what she did. She didn't do anything wrong to her daughter to lose her. But she cheated and scammed for money that the rest of the world has to work for. My friend's mother died of lukemia 6 years ago, and I don't think that's something to joke about. My respect for this woman has dwindled down to about this much. Yeah, that much.
I am almost afraid to meet her tomorrow night. There are a few things that really really bother me. I never thought anyone would be so stupid about money. I'm a little upset. And at a moral standpoint with myself right now.

Am I right to change my opinion about this woman based on what she did? Is that being overly judgemental?
I mean, if you do something once, you'll do it again. Remember: eating disorder...??? I was once bulimic. I did it once, and it took me about a year to finally get out of it. Family/Spousal/Child abuse: if it happens once, it'll happen again.
I'm not saying she'll do this again, per say, but who's to say she won't do something else that's just plain stupid?

Or should I just let it go, and take the night and extra time to form my own opinion?

I'm scared about going away to college.
REALLY scared.

I'm scared of relationships.
Frightened.

I have post-mid-term stress.
Bad.

I'm worried about friends.
When am I not?

I'm afraid of moving on.
And losing friendships that will be lost- no matter what.

I can't stand my dad.
But he's managed to put up with me for about 15 years now.
Give him some credit.

I'm worried about myself.
But will never admit it.
Which makes it worse.
And scares me more.

And it's past 9P, so I'm thinking this is just another one of those posts I've mentioned. Haha.

How bout getting off of these antibiotics
How bout stopping eating when I'm full up
How bout them transparent dangling carrots
How bout that ever elusive kudo

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

How bout me not blaming you for everything
How bout me enjoying the moment for once
How bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
How bout grieving it all one at a time

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

The moment I let go of it was
The moment I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it was
The moment I touched down

How bout no longer being masochistic
How bout remembering your divinity
How bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How bout not equating death with stopping

Thank you India
Thank you providence
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness
Thank you clarity
Thank you thank you silence

I want to walk with him, hand in hand.
I don't care where we are.
At the mall.
At a football game.
At the beach.
In the snow.

I want him to hold me.
Because I'm scared.
And his protection is all I need.

I want his okay.
Because it's better than nothing.
The support is way past needed.

I want his emotional support.
I don't know what that is.
But I need it.

I want him to call me in the middle of the day.
Randomly.
Not every day.
Even during class.
Just to check on me.
At 1A.
To make sure I'm sleeping.
And not up late stressing about something stupid.

I want him to come over and sit with me.
Help me study.
Watch cartoons with me.
Play volleyball with me.
Run with me.
Go to the gym with me.
Talk with me.
Be silent with me.

I want him to ask me over during the big game.
And explain what's going on.
Because I sure enough don't know.
And it's bonding time.
Just me and him.

I want him to bring me lunch at work.
Or dinner at night.
Just to make sure I'm eating right.
Even if I don't eat it all.
He tried.
And he cares.
That's all it takes.

I want him to take me to McDonald's.
Not Olive Garden.

I want to talk.
Not make out.
(There's a time for that- not always)

I want a good guy.
Someone who cares.

I want humor.
Not stupidity.
I want intelligence.
Not cockiness.

I want a heart.
Not a dick.
(Yes, I sooo just said that)

But it's not possible.
No guy is like that.
No guy cares that much.
No guy will wait for marriage.
No guy is that kind.
No guy is that patient.
No guy is that giving.
No guy is that ideal.

If you find one, let me know.

I've been told to pray for exactly what you want, and you'll get it.
I think I want too much.

I don't think I am emotionally ready for someone else.
And I'm not one to allow someone else to help me.
I don't know support.
Once I get it, what would I do with it?
I'd get so scared.
I'd run away.
I'd leave him hanging.
I'd be alone again.

All because I got what I asked for.
And wasn't emotionally ready.

I know what I want.
I know what I need.
I also know what I can and can't handle.

We were in the car. He was driving, and we were talking and enjoying each other's company. As usual. In a moment's time, he was panicking. But he wouldn't tell me anything. His eyes seemed fixed on the red light over our heads, as he started crying out loud. He got louder and louder. It was almost as if he was angry at something or someone. I placed my hand on his thigh to remind him I was there, but it didn't do any good. He began screaming, almost in pain- but not at dead air. He was screaming something at someone, it seemed. As I sat there with my arm around him, he frantically swirved through 3 lanes of traffic to make it to the curb. He came to a screeching halt, and continued staring out the front windshield, crying about something. No matter what I did, he wouldn't talk to me. I had no idea what was going on. I was almost scared- but I knew he wouldn't hurt me, so the fear soon disappeared.
He turned and burried his head in my chest, and continued weeping. All I could do was hold him. It didn't make any sense to me at all. He mumbled something about his friend he told me about. I asked him, again, what was wrong, and he told me he saw him in the windshield. But he knew it wasn't him, because he had died. The memory of his friend left him speechless, and the vision left him hurt and vulnerable. I didn't know what to say, so I said nothing. Some comfort I was...
His head made its way to my lap, as the tears poured from his face, and the shouts and moaning increased. I was in shock at what I had just been through, so I was slightly paralyzed. However, I wanted to do something. I couldn't just sit there. Something was wrong. And he wasn't telling me everything. He always told me he hides his emotions from everyone. I believed him, but now I had no reason to ever doubt him.
After a couple hours, he calmed down a little. Just enough to talk to me. But not so much that I didn't still worry about him. I didn't expect to get a story or explanation from him about anything that just happened, so I didn't ask for one. I asked if he was alright, and with tears in his eyes, he told me no, but he would make it- he always does. I forced a smile, and reached for his hand, as he wimpered silently.
We didn't talk for what seemed like forever. Angry drivers sped by us, honking their horns... as if we weren't aware of what all had just happened. My hand began to sweat (nice, huh?) in the heat of the car, through the air-conditioner, and I pulled it away from his trembling hand. In the silence, I lightly kissed him on the cheek, and he placed his head on my shoulder for comfort. Anything was more comfortable than the car's seats, themselves. I put my left hand on his left arm- which was reached across, holding my right hand in my tear-soaked lap- and we maintained that silence for another... eternity.
Sadly, I was content being there with him. It probably wasn't the greatest time to find comfort in someone's arms, but I did. And as much as I wanted him to feel better, and know he was alright, I didn't want the moment to ever end. As all things do, though, it had to come to an end.
As he peeled his swollen, beautiful face from my dampened and wrinkled shoulder, he managed a smile. I saw the sadness and fear in his eyes. As soon as I looked into his eyes, however, he glanced away- as if trying to keep me from seeing his pain. He leaned over and kissed me, only before he pulled the car back out into traffic, to take me home after our night together.
He wasn't feeling any better. I don't know how I could tell- I just knew. Well, other than the random tear dribbling down his cheek and over his lips. The car ride home was completely silent, with an occassional gasp for air between tears, and my whole-hearted sigh after every gasp he took. When we got to my place, he turned off the car, and sat there, staring at the wheel. I just watched his still-swollen, beautiful-as-ever face. He turned to me, dug his head in my chest once again, for a quick cry before I left him. When he was finished, he thanked me for being there with him, told me he was scared (but not about what), and kissed me.
I was thankful it was a rainy night, because I couldn't imagine possibly explaining my wet shirt to my parents. I looked back at him standing in the middle of the driveway next to my car, smiled, nodded, and went inside. Minutes later, there was a very quite knock at the door. He wasn't ready to drive away. At this time, I was extremely grateful my parents were already in bed. I stepped outside in the rain, closed the door behind me, and we stood there for another hour or so, in each other's arms. No one said a word. My mind was somewhat at ease, though, because he wasn't crying anymore. He was just holding me, and I was holding him. After he left (for good this time), I got a call. He wanted to make sure I wasn't worried about him anymore.
"There's nothing to worry about. I'm okay. I promise. Get some sleep. We'll talk again tomorrow."
I hung up, recharged it, changed out of my wet clothes, and climbed in bed.

I woke up at 2A, in tears. It still doesn't make sense. And I was worried, to be honest. I still am, a little. Who wouldn't be?

If I cry...
About him.
About this.
It will be my first.

I never thought I'd cry over a guy.
I'm on the verge.
And fighting every moment.

I knew it would come to this.
I was afraid it would come to this.
And I did it anyway.
Knowing what would happen.

The fear and emotions didn't hit until today.
Not this morning.
But in World Literature.
Until now, it was what it's supposed to be.
It can't be more.

It's okay.
It's great!
It's worth it.
Definitely.

Wow.
I never thought I'd feel this.
And be so close, yet so far.
And be willing to take it all.

I'm content.
End.

I ate lunch today.
Eh, go ahead and snicker.

I haven't eaten anything since those few slices of pizza Friday afternoon.
Still laughing?

Like I said:
I ate lunch today.

YAY for me!

Feeling good!
I have a huge headache, though.
But I feel awesome!

Thank you!
You're wonderful.

I need to have a talk with you about this. You know who you are. I know I'm some English/Literature freak, or something- but this might help you a little when we talk... hehe

When you are describing something, use details to get the point across. Otherwise, it's not as exciting. I'm not going to say boring, because I'm definitely not bored! But it'd be beneficial to both of us if we use details. I'm funna step in to help you out, too. Don't be fooled- I'm not that quiet. It's just more fun that way. Haha.

Right now, do me a favor: You have just walked into your bedroom. What do you see? What do you smell? If you can't explain it, describe it as closely as possible. Put smells together if it might help. What do you feel?
Okay. Now, what do you want to see? What do you think you see? What do the shadows on your walls look like to you?
Now, what about when you go outside for a run? Explain it to me.
And, when we talk....... do the same thing. It will make a world of difference! Wholly cow, I am going to write something for you. Give me time to think of something. I'm funna write a short story. I don't know about what yet. We'll see about the topic.
After that, maybe you'll be feeling better... Maybe you'll get the idea. Then the conversations will be more... lively. Not just there.
You're doing good. But I think you can do better. We'll talk about this. Then I won't have to be careful about what I say.

;)

Thank you.
I know your intentions are good.
I don't doubt them.
I don't doubt you.
I feel let down.
But I don't know why.
Honestly.
I need comfort.
I need stability.
I need time.
Thank you.

I know you're just looking after me.
Taking care of me.
Trying not to... emotionally hurt me.
And get hurt at the same time.
It's alright.
Really.
Thank you.

You're great.
Awesome.
I respect you for that.
What you did.
What you said.
What you meant.
What you mean.
Your intentions.
Your thought process.
Your concern for your sister.
Your concern for me.
Your concern for your future.
Your concern for your personal well-being.
Thank you.

You have helped me, emotionally.
I haven't worried about anything yet.
I'm happy.
I have noticed a change.
I'm more understanding.
I care more than ever.
It's okay.
No depression.
No hate.
No anger.
No tears.
No pain.
Thank you.

I have one fear of relationships.
Getting emotionally hurt.
I have run away from everyone.
Always.
Been single for 19 years.
"I won't get hurt like my mom did."
I refuse to.
I'm too stubborn to.
So I've avoided it.
Completely.
I haven't given anyone a chance.
At all.
I'm still scared.
But it's okay.
I trust you.
Thank you.

You're the first guy I haven't run from.
You deserve credit for that, alone.
Hehe, you've done something right!
I think you know this.
You're not allowing me to get scared.
I don't want to run away.
Thank you.

I want to stick it out.
As long as possible.
As something.
As nothing.
Now.
Later.
Please let me.
Work with me.
Don't run from me.
Please.
It's a matter of trust.
I trust you.
Thank you.

I'm alright.
I wouldn't be.
But I am.
You're right.
100%.
It's okay.
I promise.
I wouldn't lie to you.
Thank you.

Keep talking to me.
It'll work out in the end.
You didn't mess up.
You didn't say the wrong thing.
You didn't hurt me (emotionally).
You did the right thing.
I couldn't have at that time.
Nothing would have changed.
Nothing will change.
But you're right.
Thank you.

What would I do without you?
I don't even know.
I'm here for ya.
You have my number.
I can't thank you enough.
Just for caring.
Thank you.

I've been reading Dante's Inferno all day, with no break(s). I'm very disappointed with this Literature class. Don't get me wrong, I have loved most of the work we've covered. This story's boring, though. I hated The Iliad with a passion. And I didn't care for the Egyptian poems much, either. I wanna write, though! I signed up for Creative Writing next semester. Can't wait.
I guess this is my study break.

................. I've got nothing.
My heart's not into it.
Maybe later.

Back to my wonderful story...

I'm upset.
I don't want to talk about it.
Let it go.
"Um."
"Uh."
"Ah."
"Oh."
That's all I have to say to you right now.
It'll pass.
Leave me to my school work.

Just friends.

Lottsa catching up to do.
I've been a little pre-occupied the past few weeks.
And I'm so over it now.
But it friken killed those 4 weeks!
Now I have to make them all up.
And pray I still pass my classes.

I knew there was a reason I'm still single.

Besides I live in Florida.
How many decent men are in Florida?
Don't strain yourself thinking so hard...

I feel spent.
I feel wrong.
I feel stupid.
I feel tired.
I feel sore.
I feel sick.
I feel weak.
I feel vulnerable.
I feel useless.
I feel helpless.

I feel like I could do better.
I feel like crap.
I feel like nothing's ever good enough.
I feel like I'm not worth it.

Worth what?
Anything worth something.

My dad yelled at me the other night for not having chosen a college to transfer to.
I'm not asking for a college.
I need information on general (not exact) costs of on-campus living in Florida.
I know that's a little broad, but is it a couple thousand dollars?
A couple hundred?

I can't find the cost online- only registration fees. Nice, huh?

Basically, all I need to know is if I will need a second or third job to pay for living, other scholarships I need to seriously search for- to pay for living, or if I should just get an appartment and roommates, and leave it at that.

My parents aren't helping me. My guidance counselors aren't helping me. And the school thought it would be smart of them to make you register, with a non-refundable fee, before they let you know anything. I don't want anything fancy. I'd like to sleep, study, do laundry, have internet access, shower, and get to class. Eating isn't even a problem for me. I can survive on a simple sandwich every few days, and water the rest of the time. I don't need anything else.

So, generally speaking, of course, what can anyone tell me about what I'm getting myself into? I need to make a decision soon. Oh, but I'm not finished researching- I just thought I'd ask.

I was talking with a friend about how incredibly high maintenance I am.
Oh, you wouldn't believe it.

McDonald's over Olive Garden.
Keep the together-time.
Don't spend a lot of money.
DOLLAR MENU, BABY!

That lovely pearl necklace...
With the matching diamond earrings...
Not for me.

A dozen roses sent to work,
signed with love, from you...
Awww, how sweet!
But not necessary.
If  you absolutely have to-
just one, please.

Birthday gift at dinner...
How about a walk on the beach?

Make-out sessions in public?
Um, a gentle kiss will suit me fine.

Grab my ass...?
Not hardly.

Meet my parents...
Eventually...
If you're worth it.

But, if you weren't worth it...
I wouldn't even bother.

The other night, another friend said to me,
"I feel like I'm going to lose you when you move."
Nah.
I'm too high maintenance.

:P

He's 21 now.
What now?

He's back!
We're hanging our Saturday night.
Maybe I should call him for lunch one day?
It's been too long.
Everything's gone wrong.
He just doesn't want me to leave.
I don't want to leave.
Now he's back.
And everything's okay again.

I was talking with a friend the other night.
He's too ideal.
Not perfect.
I don't want perfect.
I want flaws.
I want struggles.
I want tears.
I don't want perfect.

I don't even want your ideal.
I just want my ideal.

He makes me happy.
He makes me smile.
He makes me cry.

I talk to him.
He asks, I answer.
Period.

He brings out the best in me.
Something I'm afraid I need.

I don't have to watch myself around him.
I just do.
It's almost automatic.
No thought required.
No hesitations.
Just respect, I guess.

But, there's a problem.
Like I said, he's too ideal.

He's funny.
Stupid funny.
Intelligent funny.
Kiddy funny.
Childish funny.
Witty funny.
Sarcastic funny.
Satirical funny.

He's smart.
Intelligent.
Determined.
Focused.

He's musically talented.
Not necessary.
But nice.

He's fun.
Can't beat that.

He's cute.
No, looks don't matter.
It's just an added bonus.

He's got a child's heart.
With an adult mind.
Loving.
Caring.
Kind.
But still goofy.

He could do better.
I'm no one special.
I have nothing to give.
I want nothing in return.

One problem...
He doesn't like kids.
He doesn't hate them.
But doesn't like them like I do.

No big deal.
He loves that I work well with kids.
He loves that I give my time to kids.

He understands that I love kids.
I will always love kids.
That's something he would have to understand.
Something he would understand.

He's a great friend.
Right now, that's all he is.
That's all I ask.
That's all I need.

Tomorrow night-
Dinner.
We've got a month to catch up on.
And so much to talk about.

I have some things I want his help with.
Tell me it's going to be okay.
Make sure I'm alright.
See if there's anything he can do for me.
And make me laugh.
Just because.

Good guy.
One of a kind.
I couldn't ask for more.

I don't think anything is worth the pain that comes from it.
Everything means something.
Every question asks a deeper question.
Every answer gives a deeper personal insight.
Every comment begs to be questioned.
Every truth is unsure.
Every lie is caught.
Each story has a double meaning.

I will not ask a question just to ask a question.
The answer will tell me more than imagined.
I will catch every lie.
It is impossible to lie to me.
My stories mean more than you hear.
Your stories tell me more than you think.

I don't like blood.
Given this...
Given me...
Given what you think you know...
Given past comments...
Given past conversations...
Why?

Peter Pan is my favorite Disney movie.
Cinderella makes me cry.
Why?

Everything means something.
There's more there than you see.
If you knew this, you would understand.

Why do I ask the questions I ask?
Why do I say what I say?
Think about it.
What were we talking about?

Why do I only give so much information?
If you can pull something from nothing, you'll understand.
If not, you will never understand anything I say.

I think too much.

Remember back in Geometry, when you did proofs?
Ah, those dreaded proofs...
I hated them.
So confusing.
So complex.
So damn easy!
Common sense, people.
They just made you feel so stupid.

Well, I think in terms of proofs.
Kind of.
But more complex.

If this, then that.
If this, then that.
If this, then that.
Therefore, if this, then that?

Common sense...?

Sometimes it clicks.
Sometimes it doesn't.

I was talking with a very good friend of mine last night.
She was telling me about her break-up.
She said something worth repeating:
"You think, when you do the right thing, it makes you feel better.
Because you've done the right thing.
But I didn't feel any better.
I only felt worse.
And I sat in my car and I cried and cried and cried, until I didn't have any more tears to cry.
I did the right thing. It was supposed to feel right. But it didn't feel right."

"No it doesn't.
It never does.
That's why it's so hard.
You never learn anything if there's nothing to learn from.
You don't gain anything if there's nothing lost.
It's not supposed to feel right, because you did the right thing.
But that doesn't make it wrong."

Why do I get so depressed at night?
Because I'm left to myself.
Just me and my thoughts.

Therefore, if this, then that?
"But it doesn't feel right."

There are no explanations.
This is my thought process- summarized.

Why do I even bother?
Geez.
So much drama.
The church is good.
The pastor is amazing.
The youth group is dynamic.
The music rocks!

But our young adult group is too dramatic.
Too many girls.
Not enough guys.
Too many princesses.
So much perfection.

Like I have said many times before,
I will not play stupid, childish games with adults.
Homie don't play that.

I will not lower myself to your standards.

Haha, I'm going to post a poem I wrote back in 6th grade.
I wrote it for my English class.
I was pretty bitter at that time.
I think it's coming back to me.
Am I growing up?
I'm growing into the very adult I worked my tail off not to become.
Ugh.

I am not you.
I am my own person.
I am not going to lower myself to your standards and expectations.
I am one person with one heart and one mind.
I am only one of many people.
I am not easily pressured.
I am not one of your little toys.
I am a person with needs too.
I am a listener, thinker, a friend-
Then I am a speaker.
I am a student- not a child.
I am able to achieve any goal- any time.
I am a leader before I am a follower.
I am here to learn, not to play your little games.
I am not satisfied until I know I have done the best I can do.
I am not going to ruin my life with drugs.
I am a friend before I need a friend.
I am right here, right now.
I am just another person
stuck on this earth with people like you.
I am fully aware of how much time I have
to fix what I have messed up.
I am not going to let others get to me with their words.
I am not you.
I am my own person.

I wrote it for a project, and never threw it away- because there was never a time it didn't apply to me. Yes, I was pretty angry when I wrote it- but my anger means more than anyone would understand. My hate and anger run my life. It makes me want to be a better person. So, it's not really hate and anger anymore- it's motivation.

I don't expect anyone to understand.

Think about a storm...
Really think about it...

Pros?

Cons?

Get back to me later.

I feel pretty crappy.
But good, all at the same time.
It's amazing how that works.
Just got out of class, and need to eat something.
Otherwise, I will have broken my 4 week eating... thing.
I don't want to have to start all over again.

However, I think I should mention a friendship that has been saved.
Yet another.
I didn't think it was possible- for mutual reasons.
But I think it's okay now.
I don't know what I'd do without the company.
I need the laughs now and then.
But the support and understanding are well worth fighting for.
I finally have that.
I don't want to lose it.

I want to apologize to that person.
I want to thank that person.
I love that person.
They're awesome.
As of now, I want that person to be aware of how much they mean to me.
Friendships are all I allow myself.
So they mean everything.

On another note, I was talking with a guy friend about his girlfriend.
I couldn't do what they did.
I'm too unstable for that.
I will forever be single.
I need a fairly long, stable friendship first.
Without stability (along with the trust and all), I won't make it very far.
You'll lose me before you ever get me.
For those who can manage instant relationships...
I congratulate you.

I'm so stubborn, it's unbelievable.
I'm expecting marriage on my first try.
Like I said, I need years of friendship first.
I know it's not possible.
 Hehe, let me dream.

He said to me,
after 3 weeks of dating his girlfriend,
"In 2 years, we'll be getting married."
So sure?
Good for you, then.

Not everyone will agree with me.
But I was thinking, today, about family.

To me, personally...

A father is the man who helped conceive you.
The biological one.

A dad is the man who raises you.
Biological or not.

My father is not a part of my life.
Never really was.
Never really will be.

My [step]dad has raised me since I was 5.
We don't get along much.
But he's put up with me this long.
Give the man some credit.
I'm one tough chick.

My dad and father are two entirely different people.
If both are the same for you- congratulations.
I might be jealous under other circumstances.
But I'm not.

I can't.
I don't know.
I just can't.

Sometimes I wonder if something's wrong.
My heart speeds up when I think about certain things.
It hurts sometimes.
And gets a little hard to breathe.
Like, I'm under the layers of blankets in the winter, and can't breathe the fresh air.
But nothing serious.
I promise.

I feel different emotions when I think about different people.
I get angry when I think about one person or another.
I smile when I think about someone else.
I laugh when I think about someone else.
I want to cry when I think about some people.
I get scared when I think about others.
I don't understand some people.

I can't explain it.
I don't even know if it's normal.
I try not to think about it, though.
I'd like to just focus on school for now.
But I can't.
I have a life to live.
I've missed everything so far.
And I'm trying to catch up.
It's too late.

All of a sudden, I have all this time to myself.
And I don't know what to do with it.
So, I'm left to my thoughts and pent-up anger.
Sometimes it's a good thing.
Sometimes it's not.

I wish I had control over things.
But I don't have control of anything.
I'm growing up.

I, emotionally, missed my teen years.
So they're coming back to me now.
I guess.
I don't know.

I don't want them.
My mind is too advanced for my heart.
And I don't think, physically, my heart can keep up.

The doctor can't explain it.
She just told me to be careful.
I might have high blood pressure like my mom and grandma.
And the slightest things could set it off.
In time, it could get serious.

Simply because I avoid everything.
And neglect myself.

Imagine that.

I feel... giddy.
(Is that even a word?)
But then I feel...
I don't know.
But only when I think...

Ugh, nevermind.

I just want to cry.

I don't know how I feel.
Let me tell you about my last 3 weeks...
Guys, excuse me...

Weeks 1-3 = Caught some flu-like thing going around town- BAD
Week 1 = Sore throat.
Week 2 = Sore throat turned into no voice.
Week 2 = Gave it to co-workers (didn't know it was contagious)
Week 3 = No voice turned into bad cough.
Week 3 (This week) = Got over it, but cough still lingered.
Week 3 = Started my period- ugh, ick.
3 Days (Mon-Wed) = Miserable!
Week 3 (Now) = No period- but caught the flu-thing from co-workers...
The same ones I gave it to.

Nice.

>When you talk/write, I want to see what you're thinking. If you're describing a dream, I want to see the lack of colors, lingering haze, or bright colors. I want to smell the dog in the bed with you, seeping into the dream, as you describe walking into your brother's room. I want to feel you kick the wall, and how it makes its way into your dream somehow. I want to feel the warmth from your blanket, as you walk into the fire. I want to see what you see. Details, people, details!

>Maybe I just had a really good English teacher, but I have noticed a significant difference between my writing and others peoples' writing. (But not everyone)

>I shouldn't feel the way I feel. Morally, it's wrong. Ethically, I can't accept it. But I can't help it. Personally, I'm torn in two.

>I might still pass. If I don't blow it now, that is. I have to make As and Bs on everything now. I'm so close- yet so far.

>I love kids. But I'm losing hope... of my helping them- not in them. My kids mean the world to me. And then some.

>My boss complimented me on my unusual ability to work well with kids, this morning, to my co-worker. My co-worker told me, agreed, and expounded upon the mutual compliment. I guess I'm really really good with kids for my age, and they've never seen anything like this before? *Sigh* What a pressure that puts on me.

>Relationships. I want one- but I'm too scared. I need a stability I don't think can be assured right away. I don't know.

>Tranferring. My first time away from home, on my own. I'm not ready. But, yet, I am more than ready. I'm not smart. And don't accept failure well.

>Finals week coming up. Oh, joy.

>Church. Don't want to talk about it right now.

>Family. The end.

>Future. Who? What? Where? When? Why? How?

>Money. Not with kids... I will not do anything, anytime, without my kids.

>College. Will I need more than one job?

> On campus or off campus? Off campus = friends over... ;) (No parties, I'm not like that) On campus = cheap.

>I love Literature!!!!! I want to take every Literature class offered everywhere! :)

>I'm going to be a social worker! I'm so happy and excited.

That's it for now. I'm sure there's more. But, that's it for now.

And screams,
Hello!!! You're just friends, and will never be anything more. Sorry, kiddo- it just is.

John whatever'd me.
The end.

Oddly enough, I'm not heart-broken. I'm not hurt in any way. Thanks to that not-getting-emotionally-attatched. Like I said, it just is. What can you do about it, right?

I'm sick of the drama. I'm quitting the Young Adult Ministry at church. I'm thinking about possibly leaving the church, altogether. But maybe not. Our pastor doesn't preach. I like that. You can't preach to me- you'll lose me.
--------------------
And whispers,
It's time to move on...

One of my kids' last day at work was today. I almost cried. Gotta love that 'no crying' stuff. Ask anyone who knows me- I do not cry. Period. My kids are my soft spot. They are the only exception to my rule.

Another kid leaves tomorrow. I'm sorry to say, I have given up on her. My first failure. *Sigh*
-------------------
And sighs,
What did I tell you?...

I can't. I want to. But I can't. Morally. Ethically. Religiously. I just can't. Boy, what a stress relief.
------------------
And laughs,
Here we go again...

I told my dad that I was definitely majoring in something with kids. I got that 'whatever' look, and the whole 'you're wasting your time' speech. He doesn't know about the social work yet.
------------------
And stresses,
Priorities...

1. School
2. Friends
3. Kids
4. Work

1000000. Relationships

With nothing in between.
Is that a good thing?
Does that give a guy some hope?
Or not a chance in the world?
Heck if I know.
--------------------
I feel like writing.
One of these days, I'm going to ask for topical ideas to write about.
I just can't write on my own, though.
The topics have to be supplied.

I want to see if I can customize my page. If you see funky-ness, I'm sorry. I'm just checking it out. Bear with me.

I think I'm finished.
I'll have to come back to it later.
If it screams, AHHH! at me, I'll fix it.
But if it doesn't look too bad, I'll keep it.
I'll probably change it periodically.

Oh, you don't know about me and colors...
Hehehehehehehahahaha

Religion class:

Dear classmates,
I love watching the lot of you make fools of yourselves. It's rather amusing at 9A. I particularly enjoy your dry, mindless babbling. You make absolutely no sense. If that was a cut-down, you need a guide for college bimbos. While you think we're all laughing at your 'witty' comments, we're really laughing at your stupidity. Oh, but wait, I forgot, you're all softball players... that whole clique in the center of the room- drawing unnecessary attention to yourself. You deserve that extra attention, huh? You play sports for our school. Of course you deserve it!
Congratulations! You're such great softball players, you made it on a junior college team! You are such awesome players, you completely bypassed a full ride to a 4-year college, and went straight to a 2-year community college. Then again, I'm sure you impressed everyone with your intelligence, too.
Nothing but the best for community college softball all-stars! You're special.

Freaking softball players... There are a few exceptions, of course- but I mean just a few.

(I wish I could be meaner, but I kind of have to bite my tongue. A good friend of mine is a softball player.)

I really hate the holidays.
I can't stand to be around family that long.
Obviously, neither can anyone else in the family.
I'm stuck in the middle-
Liking and disliking everyone fairly liberally.
And, of course, I'm wrong in doing so.

Like I said, I really hate the holidays.
The end.

I got to sleep last night.
It felt like I hadn't slept in years.
I still ache from it.
Oh well.

I am panicking over my Environmental Science and Spanish classes.
I have to make a high B or an A to pass the classes.
Um, not possible?
Right now, I have a C.
That's a D in college.
Just barely passing.
If I was actually smart- we wouldn't have these problems.
Haha.
Damn.

So, I have papers to write for science and Literature.
I have tests to study for.
I have finals to study for.

Oh, yay.

First, I am only a B.
So stop staring.

Second, I have no butt.
So stop staring.

Third, you will never see me in a skirt.
So stop asking.

Fourth, my legs are not for you.
I can kick your ass.
I can outrun you.
Oh, and I do look good in a skirt.
So stop asking.
Stop staring.

Believe me, you're not that special.
Feeling a little lucky tonight?
Keep dreaming.

I missed the Peanuts' Thanksgiving special last night.
Even after Koryn reminded me.

My parents were watching Survivor...
How can you replace an annual classic with a reality show?

I feel so lame now.
I missed Charlie Brown and Peppermint Patti.
And Lynus and Lucy.
Ugh, it's the end of the world, as we know it.
:(

I went through some things.
Middle school, high school, college...
I feel like I was used.
It all seemed great!
I guess it wasn't so great afterall.

And then people wonder why others close themselves up.
Hmmm...
Lemme think...

Eh.
That's life.
You'll never appreciate the good things if you don't suffer through the bad things.

I sound like a freak when I say that.
I don't mean it in a freak kind of way.
I just mean, you've gotta live life to ever get anything out of it.
If you're so protected and/or protective, what will you ever gain?
And, if you ever gain anything, you'll never realize it, because you didn't know you had anything to lose.

If I never start dating and put up with the jerks, I'll never find a good one.
That's life, right?
If I automatically close up to everyone, I'll never see the good ones.
Makes sense to me.

...Starting next year.
When I'm gone.
Not yet.

I'm depressed now.
And it wasn't even my fault this time!
I made a joke, and it was thrown back in my face.
They didn't do such a great job at it, though.
However, as he got angry, so did I.
It wasn't meant to be taken seriously.
And it all went down hill from there.

There's more to it.
You don't understand.
You won't understand.
Am I a loser?
Not exactly.
But kind of.
Depends on how you look at it, I guess.

If I ever thought anyone would take the time to understand,
I would take the time to explain.

I have decided to start now.
I am too stressed, and need it.
Haha, sounds retarded.
I guess loving to write makes me a geek?
So be it.

So, here's the deal...
Give me a topic to write about.
And, well, I'll write about it.
It doesn't matter who you are,
leave me something to work with.

It won't be anything spectacular.
Don't get your hopes up.
And it won't be written right away.
(I have finals in a couple weeks.)
But I'll get it done.
And post it when I'm finished.

Just, do me a favor, please?
Don't ask for science, literature, spanish, history, or religion papers?
You won't get one.
Thanks. :P

I don't like 'fake' people.
I don't appreciate being lied to.
And I certainly don't enjoy being used.

I don't spend my time trying to figure people out.
And I'm not going to start wasting my time now.

If I felt like playing games,
I'd find someone who's better at it than you.

If I felt like arguing,
I'd find someone who was intelligent enough to actually supply a comeback.

If I felt like fighting,
I'd find someone who was at least armed and ready.

If I believed you,
you wouldn't have to question if this is for you or not.

If I trusted you...
Well, I don't- so don't worry about it.

Make sense?
Or should I read you a kiddie story?
Maybe you'll understand smaller words...
----------------------------------------
Oh, I can't wait to get away from here.
Next year, I start all over.
A new life.
A new outlook.
Hopefully, a new attitude.

I am at an all-time low right now.

I give up.
I lasted 5 weeks, 2 meals a day.
I'm finished.

Let it go.
I'm done.

I've learned a lot.
I've learned what's important, and what's not.
I've learned a lot about myself.
Good thing? Bad thing?
Eh, who knows?

It's time to move on.
Away from family.
Away from home.
I'm preparing for college.
Getting ready to move.
Away from here.

Far
Far
Away.

...Not far enough away...

I hate school so much!
But I need the stress.
I am not one to think about myself.
(Which explains the eating disorder, etc)
Until it gets late, I'm fine.
Perfectly content.
Once it gets too late, I panic.
All of a sudden, I have time to myself.
Just to think.
That's never a good thing.
I get depressed.
Bad.
And go to the few people who make me feel better.
We don't always talk about anything.
Just talking with them makes a difference.

I need constant stress.
I will never make it without it.
I've come too close to losing my life over depression.
Too many times.

Stress seems to be the only thing keeping me going.
And the friends who have stuck with me.
And made sure I didn't panic too much.
Because they've been there when I do.

Koryn, I'm particularly singling you out, haha.
You haven't seen this extreme yet.
I hope you don't.
But you've helped through the eating disorder.
And so much more.
Thank you.

I skipped my School-Age Appropriate Practices class (for work) tonight, so I could get everything else done.

Tonight:
>Guidance & Discipline (for work)- 5 hours online for exam.
>Study to make up for SAAP (for work)- 10 hours for exam.
**I hope to schedule my exams for either this weekend, or the Saturday right after finals. I don't know when my deadline is, so it might be safer to take it sooner than later.
>Study for World Religions test tomorrow morning = Hinduism... interesting stuff...
>Read and study for World Literature test tomorrow afternoon = The Heptameron... haven't even started...
>Write 2 papers on The Mahabharata, and 2 on Dante's Inferno... or wait until the last minute, and write about The Heptameron... for World Literature by next Friday.
**My high school English and Literature teacher would laugh at me for taking such an easy Literature class. She might even get offended. All that work in AP Lit and Lang, and I get to college, only to be told to stop writing so well.
>Spanish finals (in 2 weeks)... Can you say FAIL?
>Environmental Science finals (in 2 weeks)... I, actually, have a slim chance of passing...

Oh, and to top it all off:
>Dishes and laundry.

I love stress. I need stress. But this is too much for me, all at once.
Certain words come to mind.

Some time ago, someone asked me if they could ask a personal question... I don't remember who it was (I think it might have been Carpediem, but I'm not sure), but they never asked me that question. Haha, now I'm curious as to what the question was.

On another note:
Today, while picking up kids from one of the schools, I saw that kid who was kicked out of our program for serious anger problems. He couldn't come to me, and I couldn't go to him- but when he saw me, he waved and waved until our bus pulled off. My co-workers told me to go see him, but I knew I couldn't. I almost cried. Again.
With that- just that- I know I didn't fail with him. I felt like, when my boss had dismissed him, she gave up on him, it meant I had to give up. Because he had to be removed, I thought I had failed in reaching out to him. I didn't. I got to him.
It's odd how you don't find out these things until it's almost too late.
My time with him is up.
But, better late than never.
:)

Don't preach to me.
I can't stand it.
Apparently, no one understands this.
Talk to me.

Don't preach.

After the initial shock of my parents and the accident Thanksgiving weekend, this week has been great.
Today, I got a little testy with the kids, but... they were terrible! I can't always be the nice guy! I have spent time with a kid I haven't seen in forever, haven't gone to the high school to help out, saw my anger-kid, and saw another kid I thought I'd never see again.
I talked with Emily a little, got to see Emily, and got to see her cousin.
I passed all tests excpet the one I missed (but will get dropped), watched a couple fights between kids, broke up a few (only because I had to- or I would have let these particular ones go a little longer, haha).
I locked my keys in my car, got to break into my car, dug through trash, and missed my first class ever (it was optional, so it wasn't really skipping), and laughed the whole time.
I have gotten yelled at by my mom for offering to help with simple tasks, and have laughed with my dad at how stubborn she is. I have watched my mom cry from shear physical pain, and couldn't do a thing. I have come home to a vehicle that has its front peeled back into the body, whose doors won't open, and bumper is mangled.
I had a kid swear at me, and then tell his mom he didn't. I told him he wasn't playing football with me for a LONG time, and made sure his mom knew, too. He told me that was bullshit, and I couldn't stop him from playing. Hehe, not a smart comment. I told him the only football he gets is league- if his mom lets him even continue that- because I won't put up with his bullshit comments and remarks. He dropped it and let it go.
I got to stay up late and talk with a friend of mine, and not want to get up in the morning, because I was up too late.
I have dreamed about friends, and slept through alarm clocks.
Oh, and Warrick Dunn gave away his 54th fully furnished home last weekend. How admirable.

The best part?
I've been happy.
Despite everything, I've been happy.

Another piece of furniture added to my room today.
Nah, you can't tell I'm moving soon.
Everything extra goes in my room.
Haha, nice.

It's not like I don't have the room for it all.
It's just funny.
It seems like they're almost pushing me out.
I still have 3 more semesters to go:
Spring 2006, Summer A 2006, and Summer B 2006.

Oh well.
That's what happens when you move out.
Hah.

I cleaned my room in the process.
Why not?
And I moved my room around, too.
It's about time, anyway.
I haven't done it in a few months.
Looks good.

Last night, after midnight, I layed in bed for hours- not sleeping.
In a few months, I will be 20.
I will no longer, officially, be a kid.
I can't even fake it anymore.
Now, I have full reign!
I'm an adult and a teenager!
Not next year.

What's worse?
20 years old, and still single.
My only kiss was forced on me.
And I haven't found a decent guy I'd consider going out with.
So much for kids at a manageable age, huh?

Hehe, Emily, I will be a nun forever.
Oh, joy.

I don't feel so great today.
I don't think I'll be online tonight.
Turning 20 killed my mood.
If I thought I'd drink, it might not be so bad-
I'd be another year closer to legally drinking!
But, I don't drink- so there's nothing to look forward to.

Except marriage and kids.
HA! Don't see that happening...

I have the greatest guy friends in the world! I don't have many of them, but the few I have ROCK!
I just wanted to point that out. There are some good ones out there.
I have learned to hold on to them. They are few, far, and in-between- and are not to be taken for granted.

>Have you ever dropped your soap on your foot?
Almost, but I'm too quick. I either catch it before it falls, or I move.
>How old do you look? 
I could pass from 17 to 27.
>How old do you act?
Depends on who I'm with.
>What's the last song you sang? 
I can't sing... Lose Control.
>Does every family have a crazy uncle or is it just mine?
Mine is a goof-ball! I definitely learned a lot from him growing up.
>Have you ever smuggled something into America?
I've never been out of America.
>Does playing the guitar make a girl/guy more attractive?
Yes. But he's still gotta have the personality!
>Do you live in a city with a good sports team?
Yes... Kind of... Ugh, not anymore... Kind of. Ask me after playoffs and/or the Superbowl.
>Have you ever finished off the popcorn and ate the junk from the bottom of the bag?
I hate popcorn.
>Have you ever had sex in a tent?
Virgin.
>What about in a boat?
Virgin.
>Have you ever dated a Goth?
Never dated anyone.
>Can you fix your own car? 
Hmm, some things. 
>Would you kill George W. Bush yourself if you were GUARANTEED to get away with it?
No. I don't agree with everything, but he's our president. If you hate him that much, you shouldan't have voted for him- problem solved.
>Should guys wear pink?
A few look good in pink! Really!
>Do you snore?
No.
>Are you a lover or a fighter?
Very much both.
>What’s your worst fear?
A tie between being alone and not being happy.
>As a kid, were you a lego maniac?
I was! I could build anything! And it was all color-coded, too!
>What do you think of ‘reality’ tv?
Reality? What's reality when the camera-man asks you to repeat what you just said?
>Do you chew on straws?
Yes.
>Were you a cute baby?
I have only seen one baby picture... yes?
>How is the single life for you?
I hate it! But, I guess, the plus side?, it gives me time to figure out who I am.
>What color is your keyboard?
White.
>Do you sing in the shower? 
No. 
>Have you ever bungee jumped?
Nope.
>Any secret talents?
I'm sure I have a couple.
>What’s your ideal vacation spot?
In the country or the woods- away from everyone.

>Is Jay Leno funny?
Definitely not.
>Can you swim?
Heck yes!
>Have you seen the movie ‘Donnie Darko'?
Probably.
>Do you care about the ozone?
I'm going to get yelled at for this- but no. The ozone layer in directly above Antarctica. The hole in the ozone layer is directly above Antarctica. Because of how the Earth rotates, it will never leave Antarctica. No one lives down there, so the hole will not get any bigger anytime soon. The hole is only there because the atmosphere is so thin. Everywhere else, the layer is thicker. We're not going to be sucked out. Get over it. We're not going to die!
>How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
During a Scooby-Doo marathon, I counted 1,756, or something.
>Can you say the alphabet backwards?
How much time do I have to figure it out?
>Where did this question go?
Good question...
>Are you an only child?
Not hardly.
>Do you prefer a manual or electric pencil sharpener?
I only use mechanical pencils.
>What’s your stand on hunting?
I've never been, but I have nothing against it. I'd love to learn someday.
>Do you like your handwriting?
I don't, but everyone else in the world does!
>What are you allergic to? 
Absolutely nothing. 
>When was the last time you said ‘I love you’? 
When I was too young to know exactly what it meant. 
> Is Elvis still alive?
I hate Elvis. The only music I've heard and disliked.
>Do you cry at weddings? 
I haven't yet. 
>How do you like your eggs?
Not poached, but cooked, please.
>Are blondes dumb? 
I hope not- I'm blonde. 
> What time is it? 
11:10P 
> Do you have a nickname?
I have/had many nicknames. Most match my personality.
>Is McDonald’s disgusting?
Don't tell me, and I won't know. I don't eat much anyway.
>When was the last time you were in a car? 
A couple hours ago, coming home from work. 
> Do you prefer baths or showers?
Showers.
>Are you afraid of the dark?
No.
>What are you addicted to?
School or work... pick your poison.
>Crunchy or creamy peanut butter?
I don't like peanut butter much... Creamy.
>Can you crack your neck? 
Yes, but not often. My knees, ankles, elbows, and wrists lock and crack a lot. 
> Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?
Nope. I don't feel pain like most people. My tolerance for pain is very high.
>How many times have you brushed your teeth today? 
Three times? Four times?
>Is drug free the way to be?
In my opinion.
>Are you a heavy sleeper?
No. I am a very very light sleeper.
>What color are your eyes?
Green in the fall/winter; blue in the spring/summer.
>Last inside joke? 
Nun? Nerdwad? Dork? Single? Ugly Duckling? Pick one. 
> Do you like your life? 
Not really- but I'm working on it. 
>What’s better, yes or no?
Hmm, depends.
>Are you psychic?
Don't think so...
>Have you read ‘catcher in the rye’? 
Probably. I've taken so many Literature classes...
>Do you play any instruments?
No. :(
>Have you ever stolen anything? 
Stupid stuff, like teacher's erasers, or something. It's still stealing. 
> Can you snowboard? 
No- born and raised in Florida.
>Do you like camping?
I have been truly camping. It wasn't really camping. I'm sure I'd adapt fine, though.
>Do you snort when you laugh?
Only when I'm making fun of people. No, I don't. Unless it's something I do for the kids, I make no sounds when I laugh.
>Do you believe in magic?
No. I'm a science and logics girl. I believe in illusions and the slight-hand.
>Are dogs man’s best friend?
I don't have a dog, but I'm sure they are.
>Do you believe in divorce?
Only as a last resort. If it's best for the kids and family, as a whole.
>Can you do the moonwalk? 
I'm no Michael Jackson (thank goodness), but I can fake it. 
>Do you make a lot of mistakes? 
Of course. Learning from them is the trick. 
> Is it cold outside today? 
For Florida, yes. 
>What’s the last thing you ate?
Hmm... Chicken, mashed potatoes, and biscuits. Good Southern cookin'.
>Do you wear nail polish?
Sometimes. Colors depend on how tan I am.
>What’s the most annoying tv commercial?
Velocity? With that annoying song!!! I can't stand the Capital One commercials, either. Most of the travel commercials and car insurance, or 1800ASK-GARY/RICK/MARY... all suck!
>Do you shop at American Eagle?
Sometimes.
>Do ‘they’ say I love you in front of ‘their’ friends?
I, currently, don't have a 'they'.
>What’s the weirdest place you’ve done something sexual? 
Virgin. 
>What color are your underwear?
All colors... All solid colors.
>What are you going to do with the rest of your day?
Study, then, hopefully sleep.

"She turned me into a newt!
...I've got better..."
"Burn her, anyway!"

"Burn her! Burn her!"
(Monty Python and the Holy Grail)


"I guess he just wanted to see if you're a great conversationalist..."
(Mother Goose Rock N' Rhyme)


"Ahh! Mommy!"
(Disney's Robin Hood)


"Hi-ya, Georgie! Arentcha gonna say... Hello?"
(Steven King's It)


No quotes... But, Fantasia...


"I'll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today."
(Popeye)


"'Seriously, what do you see in that guy?'
'He makes me laugh.'"
(Who Framed Roger Rabbit?)


"We don't want weeds in our garden."
(Alice in Wonderland)


"There's the roll-top desk!"
(Oh, Brother, Where Art Thou?)


"Who ever thought a little girl like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness?"
(Wizard of Oz)


"Is you is, or is you ain't my constituency?"
(Oh, Brother, Where Art Thou?)


"Chicken wire...?"
(Blues Brothers)


"... seven, eight, better stay awake. Nine, ten, he's back again."
(Nightmare on Elm Street)


"Deawry bewoved, we are gavered here today..."
(Princess Bride)


...Break time's over...
Back to studying.

I tell my mom about the good aspects of working with kids, and she rolls her eyes.
I tell my mom about all the bad aspects, and she rolls her eyes.

When I tell her the good things, she tells me it's not enough.
When I tell her about the bad things, she tells me it's not worth it.

My dad just doesn't even want to hear about it.
Nice, huh?
Gotta love that moral support!

I have my good days, and my bad days.
Anywhere you work, you'll have that.
With the good, comes the bad.
It's called LIFE.
Imagine that.

But, I love my job.
I love my kids.
I'm not in it for the money.
I'm in it to help one kid at a time.
Even if you don't notice it right away.

I'm not wasting my time.
I'm making a difference.

I have the patience for it.
I have the time for it.
I have the understanding for it.
I have the will for it.
I have the determination for it.
I have the love for it.

Isn't that enough?
Shouldn't it be enough?

I don't know when it became official, but I hate the holidays.
Already, my dad has cussed me out about something because he didn't feel like doing it.
I'm sure there are some soup kitchens that could use some help this winter break.
Maybe some orphanage could use someone to be with the kids?
I did Easter Seals last night with a couple friends, and absolutely fell in love!
Maybe I could find something like that?

If this second job doesn't come through, I don't know what I'll do with myself!
I can't be here all day!
I have until January 5.
High school's out, so I can't even volunteer there, like I did Thursday and Friday.
I could always volunteer at work when I'm not scheduled???
The kids would like it.

I need a boyfriend.
I'd like to spend the holidays with a normal family, for once.

Someone kidnap me!
Please?

I spent all Thursday and Friday at the high school. I didn't know the kids in those classes, because of the exam schedule, and I only know period 1 and 2 kids- not 4-7 students.
They couldn't figure out why I wasn't in my own class taking my own exam. When the teacher I help told them that I graduated 2 years ago, they tried to argue it.
Apparently, there's no way I've already graduated high school. I look younger than that.

Is that a compliment?

Would that explain all the guys hitting on me when I walk to the classroom, before the bell rings?
But no one my age does?

I wasn't aware I looked so young. I mean, I've been mistaken for a kid before, but, okay?
That definitely explains some things...
How awkward.

Which one? A half-dollar-sized (slightly bigger) scar on my right knee, from sliding during volleyball, padless, outside, on cement, in 6th grade, at P.E.
2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
Various pictures, a poster, a couple mirrors, a calendar, and a puzzle I glued together years ago.
3. WHAT DOES YOUR CELL PHONE LOOK LIKE?
Black and silver flip-phone- does it matter?

4. WHAT MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?
Everything. It all depends on my mood.

5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?
No idea.

6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
Right now... If I said a boyfriend, it wouldn't mean anything.
7. WHAT DO YOU MISS?
I don't know- but something's missing.

10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?
I haven't yet.

11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
Nope

12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
Sorry, but it was Joseph... Actually, it was me- but yeah...

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE COLOGNE / PERFUME?
I love Adidas on guys! I haven't smelled Adidas for girls, yet- but I will one day! I don't have a favorite perfume yet. I like the sporty kind- where you can wear it casually, or formally.

14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX? It doesn't matter- but I'm a sucker for beautiful eyes!!! Clean-cut hair, not just out of bed.
15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF PROPOSING?
Where can I see him proposing, you mean? It doesn't matter.

16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINKS? 
None. 

17. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING?
Pepperoni, but I eat lots of toppings.

18. IF YOU CAN EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE? 
An entire vegetable tray!

19. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU MADE MAD?
My step-dad, this afternoon, right after the game started. I was so angry, I almost left the house, but didn't want to miss the game.

20. DO YOU SPEAK ANOTHER LANGUAGE?
I can't say I can speak Spanish- but more so than any other language.

21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST GIFT SOMEONE EVER GAVE YOU:
When I was born, my mom had a key-chain made with my name engraved on it. I guess she gave it to me then, but not really (um, I was kind of a baby)- but she gave it to me again with my key to the car, Christmas last year.
22. DO YOU LIKE ANYBODY? 
Not right now.

23. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED? 
I don't think so. 

24. FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND?
Adidas or Nike...

25. WHAT'S YOUR DREAM CAR?
I don't really have one.

26.DO YOU HAVE A BONER RIGHT NOW? 
Haha! I'm a girl. I don't get those.

27. HOW BIG IS YOUR BONER? 
N/A 

28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING? 
If I was in love, yes. 

29. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU?
Just say it. If it's sincere, anything works.

30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED : 
?! Um, 7? 

31. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES?
Haha, it doesn't matter to me.
32. WHAT IS THE ONE NUMBER YOU CALL OFTEN?
I don't call people, unless I have a reason to. I never have a reason to call someone.
33. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST?
Racism, hypocrisy, dumb humor, immature people, stupid people... kids who tell me 'no'.

34. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE U.S.? 
Nope.

35. YOUR WEAKNESSES? 
I care too much- but no one ever knows it. So, I either run away because I feel I have been too open, or I am too open, and scare people off, because I'm supposed to be heartless. 

37. FIRST JOB?
Toys-R-Us, seasonal, RGD (returned goods, defective)- a very tedious, boring, repetitive job.

38. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?
I wish.

39. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED OUT THIS?
Talking with a couple people online.

40. IF YOU COULD GET PLASTIC SURGERY WHAT WOULD IT Be? 
I wouldn't. 

41. WHY DID YOU FILL OUT THIS SURVEY?
It's amazing what you'll do when you're bored.

42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
My legs, looks, smarts, patience, and ability to relate with kids.

43. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF ALCOHOL BECAME ILLEGAL?
Um, not drink it?

44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Anything that would help with college: book store gift cards, clothes gift cards, lap top, a pack of Ramen Noodles (haha)... Nothing, really. I'd like to spend time with friends, actually.

45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT? 
Just 2. 

46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Nope.

47. DO YOU WISH ON STARS?

Nope. 

48. WHICH FINGER[S] IS YOUR FAVORITE?
Haha. I don't flick people off. If I'm upset, you'll know, verbally. My thumb is my favorite finger. I have got so many muscles behind that finger! Softball rocks!

49. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? 
Hmm, early to middle of last month? 

50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Sometimes... Most of the time.
51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? 
Turkey or ham. 

52. ANY BAD HABITS?
Stressing, worrying, not trusting people I know I can trust, catching people in a lie (wait, is that a bad thing?)...

53. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING CD ON THE SHELF?
Um... Dixie Chicks, by far. All my music is older stuff, but it's such a variety...
54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Yes.

55. HAVE YOU EVER TOLD A SECRET YOU SWORE NOT TO TELL? 
No. I won't tell unless I, legally, have to. I won't swear to it, because I never know. 

56. DO LOOKS MATTER?
Not entirely. They're a plus, but never a necessity.

57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?
Volleyball, softball, writing, cleaning.

58. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME?
School.

59. DO YOU TRUST OTHERS EASILY? 
Not hardly. It is very rare for me to trust a person. Ask anyone who knows me. 

60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
Anything sports-related.

61. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE?
Um, not many... 44.

63. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
Always. But it's not always obvious, and can be very hard to catch.

64. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A MOSH PIT? 
Nope.

65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?
Humor, honesty, sincerity, morals, intelligence, manners, understanding, PATIENCE, kindness...

66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
I have too many. Summer is my most known nickname.

68. DO YOU UN-TIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
No. My shoelaces are too short (tennis shoes). Everything else, I do.

70. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? 
Chocolate with chocolate and chocolate... you get the point. 

72. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE COLORS?
Blue and white.

73. WHO/WHAT DO YOU MISS MOST RIGHT NOW? 
A good friend of mine from about 6 years ago. 

74. HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE?
None yet. Hopefully, they won't come in.

75. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
Why would I care?

76. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? 
Nothing.

77. LAST THING YOU ATE?
Carrots, last night.

78. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
A friend of mine called and asked me (I'm an advisor for a high school club) to come volunteer for Easter Seals with her last night.

79. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX? 
Eyes, then personality. 

80. FAVORITE THOUGHT PROVOKING SONG:
Hmmm... Where is the Love?, by Black Eyed Peas. I don't, generally like them, but that's an awesome song!

81. FAVORITE THING TO HATE:
How do you enjoy hating something?

82. FAVORITE DRINK(S)?
Water.

83. FAVORITE ZODIAC SIGN:

I don't know that stuff. I don't even know my own sign.

84. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SPORT?
Volleyball, softball.

85. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR?
Blonde in the summer, dirty-blonde in the winter.

86. EYE COLOR?
Blue sometimes, green sometimes.

87. DO YOU WEAR GLASSES?
Yes, but not always.

88. SIBLINGS?
3 half-sisters, and my one sister.

89. FAVORITE MONTH?
I don't know.
90. YOU LIKE SUSHI? 
Never had it. I can't imagine I would like it. 

91. LAST THING YOU WATCHED?
Football game.

92. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
I don't know.

93. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT? 
I guess so. The guy's supposed to ask the girl. 

94. SUMMER OR WINTER? 
Winter.

95. KISSES OR HUGS? 
Hmm...

96. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS?
Relationships.

97. WHO IS THE MOST LIKELY TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
I don't know!

98. WHO IS THE LEAST LIKELY TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
Ugh.

99. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING?
Song of Solomon, by Toni Morrison.

100. IS ANYONE IN LOVE WITH YOU? 
I don't think so.

The colors have been modified to match my current mood.
For whatever that means, to those of you who either don't care, or have no idea how a color- or flow of colors- can immitate a person's mood...

I passed everything! I passed everything! EVERYTHING!!!!!

Environmental Science: C
World Literature: A
World Religions: A
Spanish I: B

I passed!
Not only did I just pass Spanish, but I got a B!
That's even good enough to make Dean's List again!
Heck yes!

It never hits you what all you've been through together until you least expect it.
When I first got into working with kids, I thought I'd hate it.

Last night, I talked with a kid I have befriended, for the first time since October. Today, I went to give her the only present I bought for Christmas. We talked for about a half hour, before I had to go to work- but little time is better than no time, seeing as how I haven't really seen her more than 3 times in the past year.

Gotta love it.
The only kid I will attempt to keep in touch with after I move.
Probably only 1 of maybe 3 people I'll keep in touch with after I move.
Great kid.
Awesome person.

Christmas is over. Christmas was horrible. I, honestly, believe no one in my family likes anyone else in my family. The story of my family, ladies and gentlemen. Whatever.

I picked up the houses Saturday morning. Easter Seals was closed, so I took them to Salvation Army. Salvation Army was closed, too. But there was a guy on a cigarette-break, who was able to help me out. So, all didn't go as planned, but some kid(s) got the gingerbread houses. Hey, it's all good.

I got my own damn computer, and it's set up- in my room!!! I can't wait until I move. Get ready [more] college- here I come! My parents wanted to know if some kind of parental block was on it...  What the... heck... do you think?! Geez.
Smart people. Smart people.

I didn't have to work today or tomorrow. I decided to stay up late and watch Shirly Temple, and sleep in this morning. I didn't go to bed until 3A (I wanted to watch more, but I figured I'd get in trouble if mom caught me), and woke up at 11A. My dad woke up at 11:30, and started yelling and cussing right off the bat.
Good morning to you, too.
I got mad, and wanted to do something, but the day after Christmas isn't exactly the day to call people to do stuff. So, I put my computer together, cleaned my room, and started on a puzzle I got- that will be my next poster... If I don't get frustrated with it first...

All in all, this Christmas, I survived.
It absolutely sucked!
But the kids got the houses, so I'm happy.
That's all that matters to me.

My step-dad's half-brother is a body builder.
Gross.
I have come to the conclusion that large muscles are a turn-off for me.
And people who waste away their time in a gym are O.C.
Being toned and defined is one thing.
In fact, I would like to be more toned than I think I am.
Few muscles is one thing.
But frequent trips to the gym just to get bigger is ridiculous.
If your chest is bigger than mine, I think you've got problems, weirdo.
I don't mind muscles- just don't over-do them.
There's such thing as over-kill...

A friend of mine was feeling down about college. I made her feel better- but it made me feel worse. I don't know how, but it happened.

At least she's feeling better. That's what counts.

There are very few people I consider friends... Lottsa buddies, though!
I would give my life for those few. I wouldn't even have to think about it. I will drop everything to take a phone call from one of them- because they wouldn't call without a reason. My friends have influenced me in the bestest of ways, and I owe so much to them. I couldn't thank them enough for what they've done for me- big or small. They've waited for me to 'open up' and finally trust them, and have stuck with me ever since.
They've kept me sane when I was about to flip. They've kept me goal-oriented when I felt stupid. They've tutored me when grades slipped. They've reassured me when all seemed lost. They've made me laugh when humor was the last thing on my mind. And they've made me cry as much as kept me from crying (for those who don't know, I don't like to cry as much as I don't like being hit in the back of the head with a metal bat). And when I did cry, they didn't hold it against me.
Until you know me, though, I may seem somewhat distant and heartless. I'll give you that. It's the truth. It just takes a little time.

I'm glad she feels better. I don't care how I feel- as long as she's okay.

I think, anyone my age who sits in their room over the Christmas holiday just waiting for someone to burst in the room and yell at them for something... something's wrong with that picture.
I kid you not, I spent all Tuesday in my room. I was doing a puzzle- it was an excuse, and it kept me from dwelling on why I was in there to being with. I was so friken paranoid! I can't even begin to explain it.
Every hour, I was expecting my dad to walk in and yell at me for something stupid. And every hour that passed, and he didn't walk in, was another hour I freaked out even more- afraid he was stocking up on me for later that evening.

Boy, did he ever let loose on me Tuesday night!
Good golly!

Let's see, what didn't I get yelled at for?
>I got in trouble because I knew my uncle had built me a computer.
>I got in trouble for not getting my mom anything for Christmas (I never have- I always spend as much time with her as possible, because I never spend time with her).
>I got in trouble for making gingerbread houses for Easter Seals/Slavation Army.
>I got in trouble for buying the monitor for my computer.
>I got in trouble for wanting to move so far away for college (I have to stay in state, though, for my scholarships).
>I got in trouble for (duh) drawing on my bedroom wall.
>I got in trouble for talking online the same time he was yelling at me.
>I got in trouble for wanting to be a social worker: "It's such a dead-end job."
>I got in trouble for never telling them anything about anything (gee, I wonder why).
>I got in trouble for stupid things I did back in elemetary school and middle school.
>I got in trouble for befriending/mentoring certain kids.
>I got in trouble for still working with kids, and not having a real job. Okay, if you don't work with kids or have kids- I strongly recommend that you at least volunteer at a local daycare- daily- for at least 3 weeks.
>I got in trouble for wanting to transfer to the colleges I am planning on applying to.
>I got in trouble for my room being a mess. For anyone who isn't aware, I am a neat-freak. My room may be messy to me or my parents, but it is so incredibly far from a mess! There's nothing ever on my floor that I didn't place there (because they're toys or stuffed animals). If you ask me where my first paycheck stub from my first job was, I could pull it out in less than a minute- guaranteed. The only thing under my bed are a few dumbells that I don't really ever use anymore, because they're not heavy enough.
>I got in trouble for having an attitude all day. Come on, now- he could have done better: I was in my room all day. How would he know?

I do believe I was called a f*ing b* (censored for those who don't care for profanity) a few times. I lost count after 5. Yeah, that kinda got under my skin a little. I'm SO not used to that.

When, exactly, does a person need a vacation?

While sitting in the doctor's office, I was stuck reading Reader's Digest, or staring at old people. Take your pick- I chose mine. Anyway. I ran across an interesting quote... it must've been from someone important, or it wouldn't have been in Reader's Digest. Oh well.

"An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves." --[someone important?]

Sounds about right. So, where does that put people like me, who stay up for both reasons?
A while ago, a friend of mine asked me if I would consider myself an optimist or a pessimist. I still can't answer that question. I'm very much both.

To me, life happens. I take what life has dealt me, and I run with it. Whether it's a pile of shit or a stack of books, I make do with what I've got. Everything means something, and something can be learned from everything. With every break-up (not like I would know) is a lesson to learn- next time, you know what to tweak a little and hope for better. With every failed exam, you know what you have to study extra hard for when the finals come.
Life is a science experiment. With every experience, you remember what did and didn't work last time, and you keep your constant, and change your variable- in order to perfect something.

Tomorrow night, I am staying up to make sure Father Time has croaked- again. It's another part of life that has come, kicked my ass, and is now LEAVING. Another part of my life will be erased from time, but remembered by anyone who cares to remember it.
At the same time, I am staying up to make sure Baby New Year finds his way into life. I will be given another chance to make the best of anything and everything that comes my way. I can change who I am, and who I want to be. I will be given the opportunity to create new memories- hopefully better memories.

And next year, if I have screwed it up again, I will be granted another chance to redeem myself.
The thought of dying always comes to my mind every New Year. I don't really ever have New Years Resolutions. But it's something to think about.

If you died today, what ALL would you be remembered for?

Am I optimistic or pessimistic? Like I said, I'm very much both.